I Didn't Mean To

2: Patience

She sits in her own nervousness half of the ride as I direct her to a park five minutes away from my house. Even if she seems safe I'm not going to risk it. When we stop and I open the door she looks at me disappointed. I almost feel bad. I just can't seem to care too much.

"Wait! Is there something you want to ask Nat?" Nav looks at her expectantly while she just shakes her head.

"No, sorry. I think we should let this girl be, okay?" She looks back at him with an apologetic smile. When I finish getting the bags from the trunk I walk by her window and say thank you then leave. She was nice, cute, totally my type but I couldn't. It wouldn't end well. I could never be responsible for someone's happiness.

Girls were always so... fascinating to me. All my guy friends would always talk about Pressida Powper tits and I would always join in. They accepted me and weren't weird about it with me. And when I saw a cute girl with long black hair and thin rimed round glasses I would always stare. My brother ended up noticing my crush on Ilinia Maley and gave me a huge talk about dating guys and girls. My mother wasn't as understanding but didn't care enough as long as I didn't date anyone too seriously before I graduated.

I believe everyone is good at something. For some people it's being able to keep someone happy. For some people it's being able to bring out the good side of people, I'm just not one of those people. Actually, I have yet to figure out what I'm truly good at. Not like some school subject or sport or hobby like writing. Something much more powerful, meaningful. For some people that's being able to tell someone's emotion easily, being able to help someone without feeling bad for them. These require traits that I just don't have and I've accepted that fact.

The only reason I'm not dead yet is because I can't seem to be at peace without knowing what this thing is. My brother was amazing at being able to calm a room down and keep it humane. He was the smart one in that sense– but that was also his downfall. The trait needed for this was patience and lots of it.

Something not many people have in bulk. I pick up a pop can from the sidewalk and throw it into the nearby garbage can on the side and continue walking. People are gross. Some people think they have patience when they don't and the other way around. I know I have patience but  not enough to be able to calm someone else down in a stressful situation. If I were to try, I would most definitely make matters worse and stress myself out. And that wouldn't help diffuse the situation at all. Patience in that sense isn't what I have. When my brother ran out it cost him his life. Again, I didn't mean to.

For That Woman it's her confidence in herself. Some people mistake this for selfishness or being self-absorbed or too "into" themselves when it's none of those things at all. (However in some cases that is true) In reality it is being able to come to terms with her flaws and accept it. This can help her help others accept their faults which is basically her job: counseling. The downfall of this was the effect it can have on others. The biggest example is her children. She drove one to lose his head and the other to take it. That's on her. She drove her children to destroy each other even if it was an accident.

I finally reach my door and set my groceries on the ground as I get my key out of my pocket. I push the key in the hole but it doesn't fit. I flip it over again and still doesn't go in. What the hell? I flip it again and push it in; it clicks. Of fucking course. Why does that stupid key do that to me? Rolling my eyes I push the door open and bring my groceries inside. My house isn't anything special obviously. With what I had saved up from my summer jobs back home it's what I could afford. That Woman never allowed neither me nor my brother to get part time jobs during school months.

I take off my shoes and fling them to the side. It is one thing I actually agreed with her. The thing I did not however–of course there was something I didn't agree with– was her reason why. She thought it would give us too much independence and we would force ourselves to grow up too fast. I knew however that she just didn't want us to stop relying on her for things like money or a car ride. That way she would always control us. I hate the amount of times I had to ask her for a ride to the local bookstore. That damned place was like over an hour walk away. I would have walked but by the time I finish with school and volleyball practice every Tuesday Thursday and Sunday and my creative writing class Monday, Wednesday and Friday after school I wouldn't get home by curfew which was embarrassingly 8pm.

My reasoning for not getting a job during school was that I thought that if I were to get a job during school I would get distracted and too tired to focus on either responsibilities.

I drop my bags onto the counter in the middle of the kitchen rolling my wrists to relieve the tension. Even if it was only strained for 5 minutes. I'm not the strongest person.

My house is... let's just say it is small but comfortable for me and could easily sleep a family of 5 but it's seen better days. I actually quite love the dead vines crawling up the left side of the house and the cracked window that doesn't quite open in the guest bedroom facing the driveway. And let it be known I am grateful it has decided to stay standing for me...