In the Shadow of the Summer

Second Guessing

You were awoken by your own screams, which wasn't out of the ordinary, but this time, Sebastian already sat beside you, gripping your hand tightly.
"It's alright," he whispered. "It's okay, I'm here." You breathed heavily as tears cascaded down your cheeks. You sat up with a groan. Your body still ached, remnants of agony left behind from the curse, and Sebastian had to stop you from trying to stand so you wouldn't fall flat on your face.
"I need... I need to write some letters," you explained between laboured breaths.
"You need to rest."
"No, you don't understand, they... Natty. Natty was here, where is she?"
"She's downstairs. Sirona gave her a room for the night."
"She's safe?"
"Yes, she's sa- look, can you just calm down for a moment?" said Sebastian, as you continued your frantic attempts to stand.
"You don't understand, this is- I need to..."
"No."

His assertiveness caught you off guard, and you froze, staring at him in bewilderment.
"I'm sorry," he whispered after a long silence. "I haven't slept, I... I couldn't sleep until I knew you were alright."
"I'm fine."
"Really?" He laughed incredulously, looking you up and down. You followed his gaze and gasped quietly at the state you were in. Your clothes were torn and stained with blood, your arms and legs were covered in scrapes and bruises, and your fingers were still twitching slightly. The adrenaline began to wear off then, and you started to be able to feel the aftermath of your battle with the poachers. You winced as you tried to move, and Sebastian sighed. "Here, let's get you cleaned up."
"Sebastian, I-"
"No fighting me on this. I'll listen to what you have to say once we've sorted this out." With a deep sigh, you nodded reluctantly.

Sebastian took the handkerchief that Natsai had given you and rinsed it in cold water, before pressing it gently against all of your wounds. You were relieved that you hadn't come out of the fight any worse. Any worse and you may not have made it back to the inn at all, but you desperately wished you could manage to stand on your own, so that you could find Poppy before any real harm befell her.

"I should have been with you," said Sebastian, pressing the handkerchief to your knee.
"It wasn't Anne."
"You don't think I realised that?" he snapped, making you jump slightly. His face filled with regret once he met your eye. "Sorry. I'm not... I'm not angry with you. I'm angry at myself for not being more insistent."
"I wouldn't have let you go, no matter what you said. I hope you know that," you replied. The corners on his mouth curled up slightly, and you weren't sure if it was his smile or his tender touch that was making you feel better.
"You underestimate just how persuasive I can be when it really matters." You found yourself smiling then as well, and there was a short moment where you felt as though things could be alright, as long as you had him by your side, until you remembered why he was here cleaning you up in the first place. In the same moment, his smile faded and you stared into his sad eyes.

"I wish I'd been there," he said.
"I'm glad you weren't."
"I could have protected you."
"Or got yourself killed." He seemed as though he was about to say something, but he stopped himself, and returned his focus to your wounds. Your eyes were drawn to his hands once again, and you were somewhat relieved that your mind didn't betray you this time with reminders of what happened in the catacomb.

"I'm sorry that it wasn't Anne," you said.
"At least I got my answer," he said, not meeting your eye.
"There's still time, it's not a definitive 'no' just because you haven't heard yet."
"Don't."
"Don't what?"
"You were right, not wanting to get my hopes up before. I knew there was only a small chance, but I allowed myself to hope..." He pulled away from you and sighed. "I don't know if I have it in me to feel this way again."
"What do you mean?"

He rose from his seat and wandered over to the window. He had his back to you, but you could see the side of his face illuminated by the light of the moon. You realised then that his eyes were damp and puffy and his cheeks were stained with tears.
"When you returned, like that, and I realised that you weren't with Anne... I finally realised how badly I messed everything up, and I realised that no matter what I've done since then, no matter how long I wait, I'm never going to earn her forgiveness. Even if I crawled on my belly through fire or swallowed shards of glass, nothing I ever do will atone for my mistakes."
"You don't know that."
"I do. I do know, because... no matter what I do, I'll never be able to forgive myself. I'm going to live the rest of my life with this guilt hanging over me, eating away at me until there's nothing left of me. And I'll deserve every second of it."