Gods & monsters

chapter 1

Gods & Monsters.
Ive always had a vision of being a successful singer and getting my self out there. The dream of living in L.A making my life an art. But no one would ever tell you about the vaulters , and that's how it became the land of Gods and Monsters. It was clear that I was the scared angel in the garden of evil doing anything that I needed, my desperation leading me to lose my innocence to get me where I wanted to be. I acted like a fiery beacon, burning , but they're still looking at me . It was all corrupted playing it by the game , you may be a God but you're also a Monster.

All it was, was "fame" "liquor" and "love". I accepted this transformation like me accepting another romantic partner. I only want him to do it softly whiles embracing the loss of everything else , even though me and God don't get along.My figurative fall from Eden has now happened so I'm now cutting off from grace, Its almost like a self-deprecating joke. Theres no point of mourning my "innocence lost" so I decided to treat it as a thrill , started living like Jim Morrison. He was one wild man.

The "motel sprees" got me screaming , "fuck yeah" Its was heaven, all that I truly wanted. Look where I am now compared to where I Initially was, an angel but now I was just an "groupie incognito, posing as a real singer" making me feel insincere about what's going on at this point , as if I'm putting on an image. Reminding me of when I changed my name to to Del Rey , being accused of using a persona. But all I was trying to make was an art out of everything since "life imitates art". Just me trying to describe my own trajectory by projecting the image of a successful artist and I became one of them.

After that was quite a dark time I was in denial of this big change in my life. I just needed that "medicine" straight "to the heart" I just need anything to numb it. I dont really know what's good for me because I know its not what I'm obviously doing. I feel like "God is dead" but I'm completely "fine" with it because no ones going to take my soul away.

"When you talk, it's like a movie and you're making me crazy" its just like its a never ending cycle. My appearance has has also changed , that's why I question "if I get a little prettier, can I be your baby?" Recognising that shift of my physical appearance and the way I feel for things. It all repeats in my mind because its all about the "Gods and Monsters" It felt like I was lost but it put me on the track of success.