Light That Never Goes Out

Chapter I

Sefi bitterly rolled her eyes as she stare at her ex with his new girl. It's like she's piercing them with a dagger on her mind. It's not like he's actually her 'ex'. They never even had a label before.

They just knew each other for so long since junior high school and she kind of expected too much on their thing, hoping that it'll work. Although they tried to level it up once and expectedly, it didn't work.

She had a few situationship before and not one of them became serious. Sometimes she thinks that she's the problem. She figured that maybe because she lacks on receiving love from her family or didn't even receive any type of love her whole life.

"If only you stopped playing with Rem and give him a chance, you probably would not have to be bitter and kill people in your head." Yne, her classmate since junior high and eventually became a friend til their seniors.

"What now, Yne? I'm clearly happy for them." She didn't even try to hide the bitterness in her voice.

"Why not try things out with Rem then? He's literally a personified green flag." Cloe joined, another friend.

"You're just rooting for him because his friend is hitting up on you." Sefi argued.

Ever since Rem showed an interest for her, she and her friends, Yne, Cloe, and Marien became close with his friends as well and eventually started to hang out more together. It seems like each one found a partner for themselves and matched make each other with Rem's other friends. That is why they're rooting for Rem because he has now gained their trusts.

"I don't understand why you're suppressing your feelings for him," Marien joined, Cloe's cousin.

"Or maybe she doesn't really like to be treated that well because she prefer her past relationships which are all toxic, by the way." Yne sarcastically added.

In fact, she is not trying to suppress her feelings for him. She has no feelings for him at all. Yes, Rem is kind and conservative but she's still kind of affected by her failed relationship attempt with her ex-fling. She feels bad and is regretting about all the memories and friendship they had for three years.

"What are you trying to say? Force myself to like him? You know I can't just enter a relationship with bottled up emotions with me." She rolled her eyes.

"We sense you actually have feelings for him too, you know." Cloe. "It's like you're entertaining him and of course the poor guy will have false hopes."

Everyone seems to get the wrong idea every time she tries to be friendly with someone. She then will try to explain that anything she does isn't that special as she fairly do that treatment to everyone. And of course, Rem has been thinking that he has a chance after all.

Although Sefi cannot deny the fact that she's been enjoying how he treats her for the past weeks. She honestly don't know how to feel about it, but it certainly isn't that serious.

Not until one night when she's on a call with Rem, he suddenly brought up his recent 'heart shattering' broke up experience. He felt like he's been used and how his first love keeps giving mixed signals but don't really want to commit as she might ruin their friendship.

'Dang, that's what I'm planning to tell him.' Sefi thought. She don't know what happened that night but she suddenly gave him a chance incase things might work out. 'Fuck it,' She thought. 'If this is what you wanted, fine.' She then make sure that she warned him on the first place. That she's not really a fan of commitments and all serious shit. She's just here for fun and company. But she knows it wouldn't last because she's certain that he cannot handle or fix her.

Everyone knows Sefi. She made a quick positive impression on first day and quite made a huge name on their school on her own. She's a tough person and very full of herself. She have this much pride and fair confidence. Which is also why success has been her ally ever since when she was a child. She is born to be the best, all in one perfect daughter, and does well at everything she does. Or that's just what she's been told to while growing up.

And she didn't even like a single thing about her at all. In fact, it didn't change her mind from committing something about ending everything all at once. In which something her friends would never understand. Or they never ever understood her once. She sometimes wonder why people around her don't think the same way that she did. Maybe she really is the problem.

Time passes by so fast that the rumors spread faster than she expected. Maybe because Rem is proud of it and brags about his relationship with Sefi to everyone. Even the professors know they are in a relationship. The situation kinda put pressure to her. How the hell is she supposed to handle this thing if she's not even sure about committing to love or some sort of bullshit. Maybe because it's just all fun and games for her, not until Rem became serious about it. She's beginning to think that she just always tend to love the feeling or idea of being loved, not the person itself.

Sefi got fond of their thing. Maybe because this is the first time that she had this kind of relationship since she never had one before. She was distracted.

But she thought that even if she's distracted in academics, in exchange, at least she actually felt liked by someone. She was blinded by that type of attention and treatment she's always craving for. He is spoiling her with gifts and letters every month, gave her assuring words, and he even soften her cold side she was once before.

She've changed. And although she has a hint that everything he do is bare minimum and is a normal thing a man should do for his partner, she still became dependent on him that it's starting to feel toxic. In fact, it doesn't sound like her anymore. She realized that she just started to like him back because of the idea that he likes her and that she benefits from him. Their relationship is getting toxic.

Not until Sefi was getting more and more distracted in academics and out of path for a bit while Rem is the opposite. He did well on his academics, almost succeeded her on ranking. She found this very annoying and started to see him as a threat. She felt like she lost herself. She's not the same anymore. Sefi was indeed distracted and blinded by the new treatment she's experiencing and receiving from him. It seems like she's been a good influence for him but he became a distraction for her.

She's not really a fan of academic rivalry trope as her pride cannot handle this at all. It feels like everything that she influence him to do resulted him to become her competitor. She's starting to feel her toxicity and she's upset about this. She's upset with herself.

Sefi didn't like that. She doesn't want to have a competition with someone she's in a relationship with. They tried to talk about it and Rem felt bad and down because of how she thinks and how her mind works. He said on his defense that he just wanted to make a good image to people because of his relationship with her. 'Who fucking cares about what people think?'

He argued that he just want to be on her place as well and match her level that's why he's trying to change to be like her. It seems like she's influencing him with all the good and positive things while he's the opposite for her. But she assured him and tried to disregard that. She convinced herself that she will just change and adjust for him. Maybe that would make him feel better.

Things are going smoothly but it will not take forever for her parents to know about her secretive relationship with Rem that she's been hiding all this time.

I'm fucked up.

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