𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚕𝚔𝚎𝚛 | Tom kaulitz

Endless pain

I woke up sweating and I started crying quietly, I looked at Tom who was still sleeping. I got out of bed, grabbed one of Tom's hoodies and went to the kitchen.

I grabbed my cigarettes from the kitchen counter and walked out. I haven't had a nightmare about my childhood in so long, I convinced myself my mom was just sleeping but she never woke up.

I started sobbing, "why? Why did she have to leave me so soon" I cried, I lit another cigarette and kept walking, I wanted to clear my mind for a little bit.

"I hope you're rotting in hell dad" I said angrily, he killed the only person who protected me from him, I hated myself for not defending her. I was just a kid but I still felt guilty.

That nightmare has haunted me forever, I still hear her last words in my head and it crushes me. She never deserved to die, she was the nicest person anyone has ever met. No one ever disliked her but my dad.

I sat down on a bench after walking for some time, and lit another cigarette, I looked up at the sky while crying, "I miss you mom" I whispered. I wanted to see her and hug her, tell her that she was the best person ever.

I always feel a pain in my chest when I think about her and my whole childhood, she had such a beautiful smile, beautiful voice and a beautiful laugh. I kind of look like her which hurts me the most.

Every time I look in the mirror I try to hold in my tears, I see her in me. When she died, it's like a part of me died with her, she was the best mom I could ever ask for.

"Will the pain ever end?" I asked myself, I was so hurt. I was very close with her, I would tell her everything and she would never judge me, she never judged anyone. She greeted everyone with a warm smile and everyone loved her.

They said she was a sweetheart and that they hoped she divorced my dad but she couldn't, she was trapped with him. She was scared that he would hurt us more if we tried to leave.

When I killed my dad, I was glad I finally wouldn't get to see him anymore but it also hurt, even if he wasn't the best dad I loved him very much, he wouldn't always beat us.

Sometimes he would also buy me toys and play with me, but that was only when he was in a good mood which was almost never, he always came home either drunk or angry.

I hated him when he hurt us but I would still care about him. My head was throbbing from all the crying so I decided to walk back home, I still feel a very big pain in my chest.

An endless pain.