I Was Never Yours, Alpha

4|Bleeding Heart

~Sienna~

Eyes burning holes in the ceiling, I stayed still, senses acquainting with my surroundings. Breaking dawn was an hour or so from cracking, and the balcony lights provided a timid glow inside the room through the frosted glass French door. For the first time in two years, I wasn't sleeping alone; my husband was with me.

Holy fuck! Was this even real?

I jabbed my teeth on my lower lip, feeling the pinch on my tender flesh.

Yeah, Nixon is here, fast asleep, snoring softly with every exhale.

So... this is how it feels. To be with another person in bed. To lose my virginity to the love of my life. To finally be a woman.

My lips stretched to a wilful smile, a tear sliding down the side of my eyes, disappearing through the strands of my hair.

Goddess. I could still feel Nixon's touch. Every soft caress, rough grip, and brutal claim. I was tender everywhere, from my scalp to my still quivering legs. He slapped my ass more than I could count, gripped and tugged my hair until I hissed in delicious pain.

My center throbbed. I clenched my legs as a new heat started to coil inside me once more. The hype was true. Nixon was amazing in bed, not that I had experiences to compare with, but I'm happy he was my first. I never knew sex could be this... elating. I might have lost my virginity, but I swear I gained more than what I gave up.

The way he looked at me last night was different. Like he saw me as a woman more than a kid. Something has changed in him, and a new hope for our marriage made my heart skip beats in its confines.

Maybe I don't need to sign those papers after all.

He said he wanted to stake his claim on me as my husband. This meant we'd work things out, right?

Sometime in my jumbled thoughts, I had fallen asleep, intending to speak with Nixon in the morning.

~~

My eyelids fluttered open when the bed moved with such force that I bounced on the mattress, waking me up from my slumber.

My intention of ironing things out with Nixon died down, coming face to face with his back. Each rigid muscle flexed as he extended a hand to the floor, his naked ass making me blush as he stood. My throat goes parched. Fire kindled from my chest to my face as he pulled his boxers on, bending over to pick up his jeans.

Morning light flooded the room, illuminating his surly face when he turned a bit to the side, dumping a bucket of ice-cold water over my blushing face.

"Nixon..." my voice was hoarse, throat rough as sandpaper.

He paused, meeting my gaze, his wolf swirling gold in his eyes. "What the fuck were you thinking, Sienna?"

My lips parted, unsure how to respond. What was I expecting him to say? A good morning, perhaps? Thanks for the good fuck? I'm not sure, but definitely not that. He looked as if his ass was burning the longer he was in my presence. As if my existence displeased him, just like when he kissed me early last night.

Why was he mad? Why was his wolf so agitated when last night, he couldn't keep his hands off me? Sure, he didn't mark me, but he wanted to. I felt it. The bite marks on my neck could attest to that.

"What?" my response was a whisper in the air. I swallowed hard, repeating my response much firmer, sitting up, pressing a hand onto my chest to keep the covers from concealing my body from him. "What are you talking about? Last night was... amazing."

Heat flowered on my cheeks, voicing that out.

An animalistic protest rumbled from him, his hands fumbling to zip his fly, sliding the button of his jeans in its hole. "Amazing?" he huffed. "Last night was a fucking mistake. It shouldn't have happened."

My heart... if those divorce papers left a crack in my already mourning heart, Nixon's words came swinging at full force, breaking my poor soul into a thousand pieces.

"You... you don't mean that." My lips quivered. I slammed my teeth down on the lower one to keep it from trembling. Mist gathered in my eyes, blurring my vision of Nixon.

He looked away, avoiding meeting the devastation his words brought upon me. "I... I'm so fucking sorry, Sienna. I wasn't myself last night."

I shook my head, still justifying his words and actions. It was wrong. He's hurting me, and I shouldn't allow this, but my brain and mouth worked on autopilot like they did for the past two years.

"Last night was the best night of my life, Nixon..." I croaked, my tear ducts pushing its content to spill out. "And you're ruining it."

He stabbed his fingers through his hair, raking it like threshing a grass field. "I'm not..." he searched for words, his bare feet padded against the carpeted floor. "My promise to you, I broke it. I'm not your mate, Si." His anguished tone turned my insides to a puddle of confusion and annoyance.

"We don't know that..." I heaved a breath. Finding my mate was out of the question anymore. My wolf, she's already a few years too late. Most she-wolves have their animal spirits at sixteen, eighteen tops. I'm already twenty years old. We were not supposed to be discussing my mate when I was already married to him... when all I wanted all along was him. "It doesn't matter to me," I said firmly. "Mate or not, I wanted it."

His feet paused, forest green eyes sliding back to my face. A wilful smile tugged my lips. "I don't regret what happened. It has always been you, Nixon."

He sucked on a massive chunk of air, chest rising and falling fast. A turmoil stirred inside him; gold flooded his eyes, darkening as they dropped on my neck. That grim look came back in darker force. He removed the distance between us and grabbed the covers from my body. A surprised gasp left me as the fabric fell on a bunch beside his feet.

His lips pressed on a hard line, taking in my naked state. I looked down at my body; his handprints and bite marks were all over my skin. I'm sure I left my marks on his body too, but he had shifter healing; I did not. So I don't understand the pained look on his face. Last night, those eyes peered at me as if I was the only woman in the world. He made me feel beautiful, sexy... wanted. Now he's making me want to dig a hole in the ground with my bare hands and cower away for the rest of my life.

Does my body displease him? But then he spoke.

"You're a fucking virgin?" he hissed, gaze fixed on the red stain in the center of the mattress.

"Was..." I reached for a pillow, hugging it over my body. He stepped back, recoiling as if I had slapped him. My brows furrowed. "Is that your issue?" my voice hitched. "You don't like what you see in the daylight, and I was inexperienced?"

He puffed, growling. "You're fucking clueless, Sienna, and fucking stupid. You should've pushed me away. My wolf would have backed down!"

Anger simmered in my chest, shocked at his crude words and insults. "What's your issue, Nixon? You're the one who barged into this room telling me you wanted to claim me. And now you call me stupid for acting on my own desire?" he flinched at my admission, but before he could punch another word to humiliate me, my mouth ran of its own accord. "I wanted you... only you, for fucking so long, Nix. I longed for you to see me as a woman, your wife and equal... your mate."

He shook his head. "No, Sienna..."

"Yes, Nixon." He grew more and more overwrought by the second, the color draining from his face. "I don't regret giving myself to you," I whispered, a tear rolling down my face. "I love you... I always have."

"No. I can't fucking deal with this..." he growled.

One moment he was right in front of me; the next, he was jumping off the balcony, shifting mid-air.

I sat there, unmoving, confused, hurt, eyes bleeding with sorrow. The fabric of his ripped jeans on the balcony was my only indication that this wasn't a nightmare. It was real. I confessed my feelings for my husband, and he discarded it... He rejected me.

Nixon just left with my bleeding heart in his palms.