Dirty Lipstick

Where do I even begin?

It has been one whole year of pure rage and fire burning deep in the pit of my stomach.

One year of unanswered questions and thoughts I can't turn off.

Sleep, what's that? Some sort of myth?

Now I'm here, wrapped up like a fat caterpillar on my bed, wearing the same pyjamas I've worn for the past week. I stink and I'm okay with that. I can't even remember the last time I brushed my teeth, Never mind my hair. Basically escaping my sess-pit to scrounge up some snacks or open the door to the poor delivery boy with my bags of shopping and the possibility of a bottle of wine. He must think I just crawled out of a bin!

But alas, the crying has stopped. Now I'm just numb. Well, stinky and numb. Shouting at Derrick for being such an arsehole to Meredith for the thousandth time.

See the thing is, I just don't care anymore. I pressed the fuck it button long ago and there is no return on that. It's stuck down with superglue.

Why have I pressed that button, may you ask? Let me rewind for you. Not to the beginning though, let's keep it interesting.

May 2010 month 5:

"I'm sorry to have to be the one to do this, Dolly, But we are going to have to ask you to leave"

Sandra, my boss stated to me. She's one of them women whose outer crust is a duct-taped smile and big hair. she pretends to be this understanding person and really wants to 'be there for you' and underneath it all, she's just a hateful cow who's jealous of anyone who's actually good at their job.

"And are you asking me to leave or take an absence of leave?" I ask for conformation in the most passive aggressive tone I could muster.

"You need help Dolly, professional help. Things that have happ-"

"Don't you even dare bring that up as a cop-out of why you're asking me to leave" I interrupt, holding my breath in anger.

"Dolly, this is not a punishment, this is a break to address situations that have caused you to become so out of character, and quite frankly you're scaring Hilda" she said clutching her necklace.

"Hilda is scared of her own shadow Sandra, it's really not that hard" I breathe out and roll my eyes.

"Never the less, turning up to work stinking of the night before, is highly unprofessional. I could fire you on the spot, but I know you've been going through it the last five months, So I'm giving you the opportunity to do something about this!"

I watched her fuzzy, thin, to bright pink top lip bounce up and down and really just heard "Blah, blah blah"

"You win Sandra, I'm out" I said putting on my shades, fumbling for my bag and trying so hard to walk with some dignity, knowing full well I am still way over the legal limit. Not just of tequila, but really bad decisions too. And with that, I left the overly positive posters on the wall and left Sandra catching flies as I headed straight for the bar!

It had been a few hours of day time drinking and trying all those delicious cocktails on the menu, and I was extremely hammered but not ready to go home. All feeling in my teeth had vanished along with my inhibitions and exquisite decision making skills!

Evening time rush had just started and all walks of people from all walks of jobs were rushing into the bar. Just a bunch of faces merging into one as I squint trying to differentiate between them.

When my eyes came back into focus and the acid in my throat finally swallowed down, I noticed I was staring at a woman. No, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She must have noticed me staring and was walking over to me. I tried as smoothly as possible to break eye contact and find my straw in my drink (with no success) and she tapped me on my shoulder. I stared at her blankly and said "ellooooo" In a hoarse cockney accent, true to my east end roots as usual.

"Are you Dolly?" She asked really sincerely, like we knew each other but not formally. Her perfect blonde brows were pushed together in what looked like concern.

Hell, what did I know? I was absolute shit faced!

"Thhhhat is meeeee" I used that damn creepy voice again.

'Jesus Dolly sort your shit out!' My inner thoughts screamed.

I coughed and spoke normally again "That.... that is me yes I am Dolly"

"Are you okay?" she asked, again looking very concerned.

"I'm on top of the world darlin', why'd you ask?"

"Well you seemed to have puked all down yourself and you're sitting in it" the lady pointed out to me, concern in her voice.

Shit!

"I have? Well there you go, More room for more delicious cocktails! I'm sorry, How do you know my name?" I asked.

"I read it on your badge" she said, with a grin on her face "I think its time we get you home"

"A taxi won't take you like that, I was going to go to the Gym after work so I'll help get you cleaned up. You can wear some of my gym clothes I've packed to get home in" she said. So she was beautiful and kind.... What are the odds of that?

"Why do you want to help little ol' me anyways" I said slurring my suspicions.

"I've been where you are, I recognise a bad day when I see it." The lady said.

"Well little miss beautiful, I hate to be the barer of bad news or piss on your pity parade, but there is no way I'll ever fit into you gym clothes. On account of I don't go to the gym and I'm at least 6 sizes bigger than you" I slurred out a bit more harshly that I would have liked. After all, she is only trying to help!

"That's not a problem, I have baggy joggers and jumpers in my bag" she said with a smile an walked me to the toilet.

Once we were in there, she started taking my scrubs off and I felt weirdly vulnerable as she patted me down with a wet paper towel to clean me up. I batted her hand away and took the paper towel.

"I don't swing that way if that's what you're doing this for! I mean, I tried it once and it was lovely, just missing a penis" I said nonchalantly.

She had a huge smile on her face and started chuckling at me. Wow she had perfect teeth. And beautiful wavy blond hair.

Dressed very business-like with a black pencil skirt and a white button up shirt tucked into it. She had delicate studs in her ears and smelt divine. Her eyes were chocolate brown and almond shaped,eyebrows arched and high and her lips were just the right size for her long face.

"I'm not gay either, but I couldn't sit by now and watch you become the buck of their jokes out there. People are cruel when they don't know how you've gotten to that point of puke in your lap" she said softly, almost recalling her own memory.

"What's to say I'm going through anything? I could just be out having a good time and took it too far" I said, trying to squash myself into her black hoodie. My Boobs took up a lot of room and my belly was now flat.

Ha! Didn't need the gym after all!

"Well, if that were the case, it would be one of your friends doing this for you and not a complete stranger. You're here alone. No one does day and evening drinks on their own if they weren't drowning a sorrow or two" she said firmly.

"Well, Thanks for the clothes and the chat darling. But I don't need saving. Muchly appreciated, now you can go and tell all your snobby friends how you saved the poor drunk lady at the bar" I snapped back.

"That's not what thi--"

I stumbled out of there walking like the Michelin man before she could finish! I mean, who the hell does she think she is!

How dare she help me protect what little dignity I had left!

Rude!

And why did it feel like all the seams were going to burst if I breathed properly?

I walked passed all the faces and stumbled into the warm spring air. I started walking down the street in what I thought was the direction of my house, but it turns out I wasn't in my local bar and I ended up getting very, very lost.

So what do you do when you get lost? You go to the corner shop for a bottle of wine and a packet of cheesy wotsits!