Song of the Morning (About You) - Minsung

8

It took a few days for Jisung to mentally prepare himself for the talk. It was time to let Minho in, and if he didn't like Jisung anymore after that, then at least he would have bared his soul to someone safe.

It didn't seem likely that Minho would reject him, but Jisung did write a whole song about him in shadows that were all too familiar. 'Volcano' was the hardest song he ever wrote. It had nothing to do with the actual production, or even the lyrics, but the sheer vulnerability he needed to finish it.

Three quick knocks on his dorm room door flooded Jisung's body with anxiety. He hoisted himself off his mattress and brushed his hair back with his hand. Trying to look as chill as possible, he opened the door to face his fate.

"Hi," Jisung smiled nervously.

"Hey," Minho responded, walking past Jisung to the spot between the two standard dorm beds, "Which one is yours?"

"Right side."

Minho made himself right at home, jumping onto the bed like he visited Jisung every day. Jisung deliberately kept Minho out of his dorm room during their friendship, though there was no good reason to do so. All the struggles back and forth with his feelings made the intimacy of a closed room seem too raw.

Minho held his arms open, back firmly against the wall. "Ready to talk?"

Jisung took a deep breath, "I'm scared, but yeah."

"I'll wait for however long you need me to."

Jisung climbed onto his bed and sat on Minho's left, only getting close enough to where their legs were pressed against each other. He took Minho's outstretched hand into his own, and started playing with the small fingers in his lap, keeping his eyes locked there. He felt a thumb brush against his cheek, smearing the tears that were already starting to fall without having said a word. The rising anxiety of finally pulling Minho into his world swept over him in a wave of exhaustion. He plopped his head on Minho's shoulder, tilting the trajectory of his still flowing tears, and, after many minutes, said the only thing his anxious brain could think of.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's okay to cry, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," he sighed, continuing to fiddle with Minho's fingers, "I'm a coward, it's what cowards do."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I run when things get too scary."

"Do you want to run right now?"

Jisung was perplexed, "No, I don't."

Minho was right. He didn't have that same urge to run like he did that day at the cafe. But why? If he stayed, he'd have to expose himself to someone who mattered. It took him almost one year to fully open up to Chan and Felix. Rational or not, it still felt too soon. Minho was simultaneously an unknown quantity and one shared embrace away from stealing his heart.

His old life was carefree and devoid of the anxiety that's now the undercurrent of the metaphorical river. In high school, before the incident, it was a lazy river, a water park goer's dream; he would sprawl out in an inner tube, colored an unnatural blue like the water below, where the sun pierced the sunscreen on his arms and face to give him the perfect tan to brag about after vacation ended. Metaphorical Jisung would easily row himself with his arms towards the shore, digging his feet in the nearby beach and marveling at the physics of the sand clumping around his feet and toes. He would walk through the woods on a paved path, marveling at the wildlife darting through the tapestry of sun and shadows made by the canopy of trees overhead.

He had grown up too much for those days to return, but maybe it could get close.

"Sungie, look at me." Minho gently turned Jisung so they were facing each other, rubbing his thumbs into Jisung's shoulders, "No matter how bad you think you are, you won't scare me away."

"Even if I'm a pussy and a coward and give up too easily?"

"Even then. Every life, it will always be you."

"You really like 'Volcano' that much?"

"Sure, it's a bop," Minho showed a soft, cat-like grin, "But it was what you said before you played it."

Jisung averted his eyes and let out a small laugh, "What did I say?"

"You said I show you love without having to say the words. That's a big deal for me." Minho started to speak frantically, deciding to risk rejection himself. "I'm seen as cold and uncaring sometimes. I don't say the right things. I don't fucking care enough and people leave me and don't tell me why. But you never left, no matter how many questions I asked, no matter how much I challenged you. And that day, at the cafe, I thought you finally had enough. I thought you came to the same conclusion as everyone else. After that, I was hoping you cared about me and maybe this time it would be different, but I couldn't be sure because you never told me why. And then the song...you said I could hurt you and burn you and you'd still pick me every time. Over and over again, every life, you'd embrace me with all my flaws as your soulmate."

"Of course." Their hands became intertwined as Minho bared his soul, "Why wouldn't I?"

"You cried over the thought of hurting me."

Jisung shook his head, tightening his grip, "It wasn't about hurting you, it was about losing you once you found out everything. About why I hide. The fact that I go through life scared and sad, and not happy like you see all the time. The fact that despite how far I've come, that I'm still broken."

"We're all broken, Ji. That doesn't mean I love you any less."

Jisung stared at Minho in disbelief as he was pulled into a hug, Minho rocking him gently back and forth. Jisung wrapped his arms around Minho, tracing his fingers up and down his soulmate's spine. If there were any specks of doubt left that Minho wasn't his person, they all but disappeared. He found the safest place to fall and the loveliest and warmest soul to confide in. As he admitted on air, Minho didn't need to say those three words, but it meant so much that he did.

As they laid next to each other on the mattress, legs tangled and facing one another, Jisung shared everything with him. Minho never judged, but gave reassuring smiles to let Jisung know it would all be okay. They laughed and cried together as the night went on, and officially agreed to be boyfriends. As Jisung listened to Minho's steady heartbeat beneath his ear, slowly losing consciousness, he heard the beginning words of 'Alien' for the first time in years.

"The only thing predictable about life is its unpredictability. Anyone can be anything. You can be everything."

Jisung could work towards being anything he wanted, he thought as he glanced up at his boyfriend's beautiful profile, sharpened by the room's fading light, because Minho was his everything.