Deep within me exists an unyielding ache—a yearning for the days of old when I was enveloped in the warm embrace of my family.
I miss my mom's tender care, my dad's strong guidance, and the feeling of belongingness when we were all together. They were the pillars of my growth, nurturing me with love and teaching me the first few words that shaped my world.
The reminiscence of those moments is bittersweet, as the harmony that once defined us has been shattered by the storms of change.
My dad's betrayal, his multiple infidelities, and my mom's mental struggles have left deep scars on the fabric of our bond. Despite the turmoil, they remain entangled, unwilling to part ways, driven by the belief that it is for my brother and me.
I yearn for their separation, not out of animosity, but for the hope that they may heal and find solace individually. Their union, tarnished by deceit and pain, only amplifies my own internal strife— incessant overthinking and emotional turmoil.
In the haze of my troubled mind, I find myself grappling with conflicting emotions. I loved them dearly, and I still do, despite the harsh treatment I received as I grew older. My voice went unheard, my feelings were invalidated, and my reasons were brushed aside. The weight of these rejections only fueled my descent into darkness. Yet, through it all, a part of me still yearns for their warmth, aches for their embrace, and wishes for their presence as I grow older.
Fate played a cruel hand, intertwining my existence with the untimely loss of my dad's parents. The demise of my grandpa in the same year I was born left a void in my dad's heart that he tried to fill with neglect and anger. It is a burden I unfairly carry, blaming myself for merely being born, believing that my arrival was the sole reason they remained together despite lacking love for each other.
I am still haunted by the memories of what was, what could have been, and what might still be. The scars of their shattered relationship and my internal struggles intertwine, painting a portrait of heartache and longing. Yet, amidst the pain, I cannot help but wish for their happiness and the opportunity to embrace them once more, even if it is merely a fleeting hope deep in my soul.
Now, here I am, left grappling with the dichotomy of love and pain, of wanting for their happiness while seeking my own. I long for the day when I can reconcile with my past, mend the wounds within, and find the strength to walk forward, embracing the complexity of life and the innate desire to love and be loved, even in the face of suffering.
