Chapter 5

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"Eat your soup". Nurse Brenda was becoming a bit of a drag. Soup. My life has come to an end, and I'm sitting here eating soup. Doing nothing about it. Am I going to be here forever? I've been here 2 months and I've made no progress, at all. Hallucinations, panic attacks, voices. They're all still inside of me. I'm on some pill, well lots of them, that make me feel a bit better, for like an hour. Then it's back to normal. I hardly have any hair left, it's been falling out because of the stress. I'm only 19, look where I am. A lot to think about while you're just sitting at a table eating soup.

Midnight. The worst time of the day, or night, or whatever. It's when you realise how lonely you actually are. Then you get depressed. Then you start crying. Then you actually become afraid of what you are capable of doing to yourself. I lay in bed with thoughts running around and around in my mentally ill head. 'Kill her...get up, and kill her...smother her with that pillow...Bitch'. They're back, and they want me to kill Lisa. The poor girl with bipolar next to me. I can't. I won't. 'Kill her or we'll kill you...Do it...Do it...NOW'. I can't resist the voices. I can't not do what they say. I got up and it was like they were controlling me from then on. I walked towards her bed, grabbed my pillow, and smothered her. I couldn't stop, she was fighting but I didn't care. She was screaming through the pillow, it wasn't loud enough for the nurses to hear her. But somehow they did. They all ran in and threw me off of her. In that moment I realised what I had done, I started weeping. Look what the voices made me do. She was traumatised. The worst part is that she's only 16 years old. I tried to smother a 16 year old. Now I'm really gonna be in here forever.

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