Alice in Borderland One Shots

A Painful Reality

Ship: Chirisu
Rating: Mature
Warning: Self harm, Suicide, heavy Angst.

Arisu didn’t like to talk about his own issues. That may surprise people who knew him, considering how emotional he could get, but truthfully he preferred not to make his friends worry. With people like Usagi, or his boyfriend, Chishiya, hiding his true feelings was harder than normal with just how observant they were. Yet even they could be deceived with enough placating words and sweet looks. Usagi never liked to push him, so the topic would often be dropped if she couldn’t be persuaded. 

And with Chishiya? Well, he wasn’t as in tune with his emotions as the doctor liked to believe. It was surprisingly easy to lie to him about his mental state, as the blond couldn’t exactly understand what mental health looked like. Not like Arisu did with all the psychology he’d been studying. If Ann heard the way he thought of them, she’d bring up his suit specialty. 

Of course, she’d never know about the way he thought, because he was very good at hiding it. That was to say, his lack of will to live was no secret, as he’d told them many times that he only lived for his friends. Yet it felt like only Ann remembered, and only Aguni could understand the crippling survival guilt and depression Arisu suffered.    

Still, he had plenty of issues that weighed down his mind on the best of days. Days that made it difficult to even crawl out of bed, and he struggled to find the worth in living. Usually, though, all he had to do was look at Chishiya’s sweet face and hear that purr in his voice, and he remembered why he stayed around.

Obviously, Chishiya would realize that some days Arisu failed to smile, or that the ones he managed to force onto his face were tight and false. The blond would press soft kisses along his throat and face, smirking into his skin whenever he managed to draw out a pleased huff. He’d then burrow into Arisu’s chest and cuddle close for hours. He both enjoyed those days as that meant he got to lay in bed for a little while longer with Chishiya, yet the guilt that settled on him for that same reason.

Today, he woke up alone. Chishiya had already left for his residency, and wouldn’t return until late that evening. Seeing as he had no classes on the weekends, Arisu would be responsible for keeping himself entertained today. Easier said than done, but he’d manage. Probably. 

With lingering fears of being a burden, he began to clean their shared apartment. It was a usual ritual of his to complete housework when not busy. Better than being useless at his computer, he reasoned. Usagi would urge him to take time for himself, but she also had a productive interest, so her point was moot. 

When he cleaned, he had less time to think and lose himself 

By the time he was almost done, it was well into the afternoon. He was a bit tired, and his stomach twisted painfully to remind him to eat. The thought of eating anything made him feel sick. When compared to the lean bodies of Chishiya and Ann, or the fit and muscular bodies of Kuina and Usagi, he was so painfully average it hurt. Maybe if he stopped eating so much, he’d be more attractive. It had been so long since he and Chishiya had gone farther than make out sessions. 

So lost inside his own head, Arisu failed to notice how close to the edge the dishes had been, and accidentally sent several plates clattering to the tiled floor. Swears flew from his cracked lips, and he dropped to his knees, hands shaking as he began to scoop the shards up. Shit shit shit.

Chishiya would be so disappointed to see him break their important china. After all, Chishiya wanted to cook much more than Arisu ever did, and needed those plates. In his frantic attempt to clean, a sharp shard of ceramic sliced clean through his palm, and thick crimson began to ooze from the wound.