Her Shey

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Madalas napapaisip ako, ano kayang tingin ng ibang tao sa'kin? Gusto ba nila ako? Tanggap ba nila ako sa kung sino ako?

If not, then what should I do to fit in?

Should I change who I am, the way I am to be qualified to their standards? Or should I just be me?

An old friend once told me how different I am from her. I took it as a compliment tho, kasi sabi nila opposite attracts. She's out of my league, but surprisingly, our differences clicked. We became friends, we do things together. We were happy even it's just the two of us hanging out. I thought, she accepted me for who I am and she's okay with it. Kasi kung hindi, hindi kami magiging magkaibigan, diba?

Until one day, sinabi niya sa'kin kung gaano ako ka-boring na tao at kung paano siya nawawalan ng ganang kasama ako. I was flabbergasted, offended even. Of all people, hindi ko akalain na siya ang magsasabi 'non sa'kin.

I was hurt.

Ang sakit.

Her words wounded me deeply, but I thought she was just being honest with me because we're friends. Maybe I was a fool and stupid for thinking that it was unintentional, she doesn't really mean to hurt me. But the truth is... I was scared — scared of being alone and losing my best friend.

So, to save the friendship I thought existed, I began to change.

I've tried to be the likeable person she preferred me to be. I've tried to be more like her. To be somebody else even if it's exhausting.

But after everything I did, she still abandoned me.

She left me with wounds and bruises of insecurities, confused of who I should be. I spent months of living like a lost kitten trying, struggling to find my way back.

Some tried to help, but failed. Fear was hindering and holding me back. I feared to trust anyone, 'cause how am I supposed to trust somebody else when I don't even know who I really am?

Slowly, I found myself drifting away...

Gusto ko nang umuwi.

That's what on my mind the moment I stepped in this room. Pumunta lang naman talaga ako para sa attendance at para ma-exempted sa exam. Wala akong choice.

I lazily roam my eyes around me, cautiously not to make an eye contact with anyone else while observing them. They seem happy, enjoying the night having the best time of their life.

Ako lang naman ang hindi nageenjoy.

How pathetic it is to feel out of place. Kaya imbes na mag-self pity at sayangin ang oras ko, aalis nalang siguro ako.

No one cares and notices me anyway.

Tumayo ako sa kinauupuan ko at kinuha ang maliit kong bag, nang mahagip ng  aking paningin ang isang pamilyar na pigura sa 'di kalayuan.

She stood there watching them like I did.

But why?

Lumingon siya at sandaling nagkatinginan kami. Kinunutan ko siya ng noo, before she looked away.

I saw it though.

Sure, I once wished for her to regret what she did to me and suffer like I did. I want her to experience what I've been through when she chose them over me but seeing her this way — looking hurt and lost, my heart aches. It's like seeing myself being lost again, and watching myself slowly dying in vain.

And no one cares.

But... being a fool myself, after everything, I still do care for her.

So, I took the big step — lumakad ako papunta sakanya. Gulat na gulat itong tumingin sa'kin nang makita niya ako sa harapan niya.

“Hershey,” she muttered.

No other words were spoken. It's just us, with her teary eyes that I guess, just mirrored mine.

Then I smile at her and she smiled back at me, like the first time we met.

As we stood there, watching them lost in their world, I realized why I don't fit in. It's not about her or them anymore, it's about me, of how I perceived the world and the people around me. It's nice to have friends and have someone who you can call your best friend but I learned why I shouldn't be focusing about them. Because in the first place, they're not responsible for my happiness, I should.

Yes, it's easy to get affected by other people's opinion about us, the society, peer pressure. It's easy to say you don't care about what people think about you as long as you're secured about who you are.

But in reality, you do care a lot and they don't.

It's okay though... it's a journey of learning and discovery of life and one's self. As we go on taking a new step, its either losing yourself or knowing yourself more.

“I'm sorry,” she said between sobs, “for everything.”

I squeezed her hand gently in response, and fish out something from my bag and offered it to her.

“Hershey's chocolate!” she said in glee as she took it from me. She unwrapped it, and offered it back to me. “You take the first bite, Shey.”

I took it and placed a piece in my mouth and just like magic, it made me taste the moment — all the bitter-sweet moments that we once had, that milky chocolatey taste that we have now, and the moments we will create together.

“You're still the Hershey that I know.”

I am, and will always be Her Shey.

~~~