Weeping Willow

Chapter 17 - Russ

"We are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it to the full." — Marcel Proust

It was weird to see myself from the viewpoint of a spectator but that was what I saw on the night of my car accident. It felt like I was hovering above my body, watching the scene below me unfold. After my car soared for a few seconds, I caught sight of my face in the rearview mirror. I looked young then, more like a boy than an eighteen year old. Strangely, my face did not look terrified as I crashed. Instead, it looked like it was deeply contemplative and thinking about something. My mind was filled with thoughts about Willow. Whatever happened, I hoped she would forgive me. I never intended for any of this to happen.

When the car stopped flying and hit the pavement with a sickening crunch, it felt like I had left my body and was floating up above in the sky. I stayed there like a ghost and watched the crash scene for a long time. It was surprising to me how many stray cars initially passed by the wreckage without stopping. A bunch of people gawked at the scene through their windows but did not get out of their cars. To be fair, it was raining outside and I understood the hesitance to come running towards a mangled car.

The roads had been wet when I crashed. Drinking and driving did not help matters. Ultimately, I lost control of the wheel and my car launched from the middle of the road into a large patch of grass nearby. I was lucky that I had not struck something worse like the road dividers or a telephone pole. I was also lucky to have landed on something soft like grass.

The person who finally stopped to call the police was an old man in his late fifties or sixties. When he lifted me out of the car, I noticed that his face was creased with scars, but I saw kindness and worry in his bright, blue eyes. The old man carried me to the shoulder of the road and stayed with me until the police came. I must have been shivering because he took off his coat and covered me with it as best he could. 

As more time passed by, more cars stopped until a small crowd of people were hovering over me. I saw mostly men standing around, helpless and unsure of how to assist me. We were all at the mercy of the arrival of the ambulance. My life literally depended on how fast or slow it came. Even though I was dying, I felt surrounded and touched by the sense of humanity and concern around me. 

I thought of my mother just then. If something happened to me, would she be notified? Would they be able to track her down wherever she was and let her know? Would she even care after all this time? The thoughts sent a sad feeling coursing through me so I tried to shift my attention to something else. I had to focus on the here and now. I had to focus on just making it through today.

When the ambulance finally came, I watched them place my body on the stretcher. The police were here now. I saw Leroy weeping at the scene of the accident and I felt sad for him. He looked like someone had punched him right in the gut. I wished I could tell him that everything was going to be okay but I did not know if it was. I saw a handful of medical personnel hoist me onto a stretcher and wheel me towards an ambulance. 

Finally, after the crowd had dispersed a little, I saw my father. Surprisingly, I felt sad for him too. Dad was fighting back tears and barking orders to every EMT who came into contact with me. He was the Captain of the police department so he held a lot of sway. Everyone rushed to come to his aid and prioritized handling me with great care.

It would have been so much easier in that moment if I saw my father as a monster or a villain. Instead, I saw the humanity in him too. He was not a monster. Yes, he had killed Willow's father but that did not mean he was the villain in this story. He was just a human who made a terrible choice. I did not care if that was how others would perceive him. That was who I knew him to be. I would have never gotten rid of the recorded tape otherwise.

When Dad spotted me on the stretcher, he ran over to me and almost collapsed onto my limp body. He touched my forehead and kept apologizing. As they took me away from him, I could feel that he was genuinely sorry not just for the moment but for everything that had led up to it. His chin was trembling and his eyes were rimmed with red.

"Please be okay, Russ," he whispered weakly. "Please get through this. I need you, son."

I felt myself being lifted into the ambulance. A young EMT in her twenties took my hand once I was inside the vehicle and squeezed it. She hooked me up to a large machine and placed wires on different parts of my body. She had black hair and the same color eyes as Willow. I must have been hallucinating because I even thought it might be Willow for a second. There was no one else in the world that I wanted to see more than her. 

When the EMT was finished putting some notes into her iPad, she called to the driver of the ambulance and signaled that we were ready to go. She held my hand and flashed a reassuring smile. The last memory I had was hearing the blare of the ambulance as it sped away into the coldness of the night.