Snow on the Beach - S.CONKLIN

11

"Did you find them?" Belly quickly sits up when seeing me return to the screening room. She glances behind me like she's waiting for someone else to pop in. "Where's Jere?"
"Yeah, we found them." I pass by her and go take a seat. "They're coming."
I've wiped the tears on my way here, I didn't want them to ask questions but my cheeks are still flushed and my eyes are also red, I know it's noticeable. I just pretend it's not, it's easier that way. It makes it hurt less. I can see Conrad and Belly sharing a look at the corner of my eye but my gaze is focused on the film projected in front of me, my arms firmly crossed. Still acting like my heart isn't completely broken in pieces, piling up on top of everything that's happening right now.

Soon, Jeremiah, Taylor and Steven make their way back in the room too, and it's making the tension grow even heavier. We're now all silently watching the movie while Taylor stabs an apple with a plastic fork. She found some weed and is determined to smoke it tonight, through a home made apple bong. She says it tastes better that way. I wouldn't mind to smoke, take the edge off for a brief moment. Taylor is on her second apple stabbing session and it's clearly driving Cam crazy, he's barely sitting on his seat now.

"Okay, can you just be a little more neat, please?" Cam promptly says to Taylor. "Also you can't smoke in here. The upholstery..." He nervously chuckles.
"I'm not going to smoke in here." Taylor shakes her head while poking a few more holes in the apple, making Cam worriedly shift in his seat.
"All right, well, why don't we take this outside before Cam Cameron has a stroke." Jeremiah offers and I swear I heard Cam exhale his lungs out behind me, most definitely relieved. I briefly smile to him as we get up to head outside. My knees are hurting less than this afternoon but I still decide to walk behind the group. Belly and Taylor are also on foot while the boys have decided to take out one of the club's golf cart. I'm pretending to be on my phone, my thumb shakily hovering above the screen, typing and erasing letters in the note application. I'm an emotional ticking bomb at the moment, everything's been so overwhelming lately, with Susannah's death, fighting with my mother, returning to Cousins, reuniting with the boys... catching Steven with Taylor. I'm still trying to process what I'm feeling but my thoughts are constantly fighting against one another. I'm the first to come to Conrad's rescue during a panic attack and yet, I can't even deal with my own. They're different, though. Silent, suffocating my head instead of my chest. At least, if I seem occupied, they won't ask questions and then I won't explode. The cart starts slowing down to eventually completely stop, catching all of our attention as we approach them.

"This thing is officially dead." Jeremiah says, jumping out of the cart's back and turning around to face us. "How about we crash here for the night."
"That would be perfect timing since I've finally mastered the art of the apple bong." Taylor replies, chuckling while showing the boys her poked apple, now full of weed.
Jeremiah claps his hands together, "All right, let's start unpacking."
I step forward, next to Taylor and nudge her arm with my elbow. I desperately need what I'm about to ask her.
"Can I light it up? Have the first hit." I look down to the apple.
"Okay, Nols, get it." She encourages me, handing me the drug filled fruit. I light it up quickly and inhale the weed, not actually savoring it because I never get used to the taste but I let the smoke cloud my throat for a few moment before taking a second hit. Taylor is wrong, it doesn't taste sweet like an apple, it's not even slightly better.
"Thanks." I exhale the smoke, giving her the bong back and head to the cart. I grab some of the blankets and start walking a bit further up, on one of the grassy hill. I start laying them down, thinking that this could be where we sleep tonight, under the stars. I feel my eyelids becoming slightly heavier and everything starts going slower, dizzier. Good, at least, I'll be able to have some sleep tonight.

"The others are starting to think you're avoiding us." I hear a voice behind me, causing me to turn around and that's when I see Cam Cameron, both of his hands in his pants' pockets. I chuckle, he always hides his hands, maybe it's a nervous habit. It's cute though.
"What if I am?" I shrug, proceeding to continue laying down the last two blankets after acknowledging him.
"Are you really?" He frowns and I laugh at his confused expression, sitting down on the now covered ground. He joins me, our shoulders brushing each other. "You're high." Cam chuckles.
"That. I am." I point out.
"You okay, though? When you came back earlier, you seemed a bit... I don't know, off?" I stay silent and I see the nervousness settle in his face. "Not that I know you well but with what I saw of you today, I figure you're more of a-" He starts rambling.
"Cam." I laugh but he continues. "Cam Cameron." I trap his face in between my hands, bringing his attention to me since he's not listening. We meet eyes and I giggle, his eyes are widen to my sudden touch and if I wasn't as high as a kite right now, I'd probably blush. "Thanks for worrying but I'm fine." I let go of him, scrunching my nose in amusement.
"Oh, okay." He smiles.
"You know," I start, looking up at the stars in the sky. "You're actually really fucking sweet. Don't know how Belly could break your heart like that."
"Well, she didn't really-"
"I wouldn't."
I mentally slap myself because this is probably the cringiest thing I've ever said in my life but the drugs are unfiltering my thoughts and I can't restrain myself from saying them out loud. The both of us fall silent and then my gaze wants to flicker to him but instead, it stops on my patched up knees. I should definitely change the bandages. So I do. I take the safety wrappers that Cam gave to me earlier today out of Taylor's dress' pocket.
"You need any help with that?" Cam finally breaks the silence between us.
I shake my head, smiling. "No, I'm good. I had a great teacher." I nudge my shoulder with his and he scoffs, throwing his head back.
I unwrap the dirty bandages and throw them on the ground.
"Can we talk?" I suddenly hear, catching me off guard because it's not Cam's voice. I look up to see Steven, standing before us, a water bottle in his hand.
"I'm kind of busy." I say, returning my attention to what mattered which is anything other than Steven. I sense Cam Cameron getting up and shaking Conklin's hand before leaving where the others are. Steven takes his place next to me, I can feel his eyes on me, almost piercing my cheek with his gaze.

"Here." He hands me his water bottle and I briefly smile at him before taking it, pouring some of it to clean the wounds. I inhale a sharp breath through gritted teeth, it still stings, making my eyes shut close. "Can we talk now?"
I sigh, glancing at him. "What do you want, Steven?"
"I think it's pretty clear what I want."
"Yeah," I scoff. "I caught that."
He knows what I mean by that. Me catching him and Taylor. Taylor's the one he looks at, the one he wants and at least, now, I can no longer get false hopes. It's clear. I proceed my pansement changing. Now that my wounds are clean, I start wrapping my knees with the white fabric.
"I'm talking about earlier, at the Boardwalk." I stay silent, fully focused on what I'm doing, avoiding this conversation at all cost. "You know, when I overheard you on the phone with Aunt Julia."
I still give him nothing, no reaction and I know it drives him crazy because he keeps scooting closer and closer every time I don't answer him. "Nols." He yanks the bandage out of my hand, his tone firmer now.
"I need to finish that." I say, pointing to what he's holding. Instead, he twirls me on the ground so I can face him and starts wrapping my knees himself. I let him. I let him do it because Jere is right, I'm swooned. Always have been.
Stupid fucking heart.
"Can you answer me, now?" I roll my eyes. "Why would you give up on Columbia."
"You and your dumbass questions." I grunt. "Why do you think, Conklin? What possibly could make me want to do that?"
"Yeah, I get that you want to save the house but that's probably the dumbest way to do so. If Con and Jere knew-"
"Except they don't. And they won't."
He scoffs, now shaking his head while wrapping the second knee. "If Con and Jere knew, they wouldn't want you to do this even at their most desperate time. This is not some unimportant thing we're talking about, it's your fucking future, Nols."
"It's the only way."
"But-"
"Stop trying to convince me, you sound like my mother."
"I just don't want to see you give up college." His voice turns quieter, hurt almost lacing it, before adding, "Susannah wouldn't want that."
"And why do you care?"

I don't let him have the time to answer that I get up, yanking the rest of the bandage out of his hands. I glare at him one last time before regaining the others. Mentioning Susannah was a low blow of him, trying to make me feel guilty for something that should make me feel good. Instead, he's trying to talk me out of it and I hate that even if I try not to, I still listen to him because his opinion always mattered to me. Even after breaking my fucking heart. I join their circle, sitting in between Jeremiah and Cam Cameron. It's clear to everyone that I'm annoyed, the drugs in my system making it harder for me to hide it but they don't make things even more awkward by asking questions, especially since Steven is also coming back.
"We're playing truth or dare." Cam tells me and I force my best smile for him. "Okay, Conrad." He turns to him. "Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
Conrad thinks about it for a few seconds, sighing before saying, "Here, honestly." He pauses, searching his words. "Coming back to Cousins. Fourth of July barbecues, digging for clams, serving with Jere... I don't know I just feel like whatever kind of shit you've got going on, you just come back here, you forget about it."
I'm smiling now, because of what Conrad just said, because I relate to it all. Cousins is the only place I've been that's making me feel like I'm home and I've been homeless for the past five years, deprived of the warm, of the beach and the Fourth of July barbecues. But not anymore. Since I don't go to college next year, maybe I could stay here instead, work at the country club or even at the bookstore Laurel loves so much. It could be nice, even magical. And it would prove to Steven that saving the house was the right thing to do.
"Come on, man. Nobody's playing truth or dare right. You either have to go big or go home." Steven exclaims, way too excited to play this game. I roll my eyes at him. God, he's getting on my nerves tonight.
"Agreed," Taylor adds. "This needs to get way more Euphoria."
"Okay," Jeremiah chuckles "I'll give it a whirl." Everyone starts encouraging him as I feel his gaze rest upon me, our eyes meeting. He smirks, his shoulder nudging mine. "Nols..." He exhales and by the mischievous spark in his blue eyes, I know that nothing good is going to come out of his mouth. I can read his mind, I know what he's trying to do, what's he's tried to do all day. "I dare you to kiss-"

I cut him off by grabbing Cam's neck, pulling him so that my lips are pressed on his. The drugs are making me bold because I would never have kiss Cam Cameron sober, not in front of everyone, not in front of him. It's not the envy lacking, all day there's been this tension growing between the two of us and I thought I wanted this. But as the kiss deepens, I suddenly feel nauseous, like I'm doing something wrong. And maybe I am? I finally pick up on all of the excitement surrounding us, Belly and Conrad clapping their hands together as Taylor and Jeremiah hypes us up. I don't hear Steven though and perhaps the thought of it makes me want to enjoy the kiss with Cam more. Because about two hours ago, I was the one catching him about to kiss Taylor. As childish as it sounds, maybe I just want to hurt him the way he hurt me. Some might call it revenge, I just think it's heartbreak.