I used to want people to marvel at my face
gaze upon my blonde hair
stare at my sapphire eyes.
I loved being told I was beautiful and welcomed the praise, but when the compliments stopped and the stares wore thin, I cried.
I used to want people to marvel at my intellect
hang my report cards
brag to their friends.
I loved being told I was smart and adored their welcoming praise, but when they lost interest in my writing and complained of my clothes, I cried.
I used to want people to marvel at my art
hang my realisms
stare at the depths and fonts
I loved being told I was talented and welcomed the stares, but when they judged my lack of pigment and complained of the vulgarity, I cried.
I used to want people to marvel at my music
dance to the melody
analyse my lyrics
I loved being told my voice was beautiful, but
when people took no interest and tried to one up me, I cried.
I used to want nobody to look at me
The crooked teeth in my smile
The spot of mud in my ocean eyes.
I hated being looked at because I knew I was ugly.
I stopped singing and playing guitar and listening to music
I stopped drawing and painting and crafting
Because I realized nobody ever cared.
I started putting on makeup to cover my face and baggy clothes to cover my body.
Black nail polish and rings to cover my hands.
A hat to cover my prized blonde hair
Blue light glasses to cover up my beautiful sapphire eyes.
I used to want people to marvel my ashes
gaze upon my urn
trace the patterns, in wonder of my face.
I hated the idea of being stared at, even through death, because I knew I was ugly. I longed for death to knock on my door and I would graciously answer with a smile full of crooked teeth.
The thought of death entranced me, so every afternoon on my walk home from school, I'd pass the cemetery.
When I was sad, I would go there.
I'd walk along the water
pick up fake flowers from the forest.
And marvel at the graves.
