It Will Always Be A Game

14: Nebulous

À la folie

"Please don't do this to me I won't speak up again, I promise." My silent cries fill the room as I struggle to control them.

"Papa give her one more chance," Aurora slowly speaks up, looking at me in terror, aware of what is next.

"Aurora, my beloved," he crouches down and turns to face her, cupping her face in his hand.
"You know what happens when your sister speaks in front of the guests." He looks at her gently, tucking her hair behind her ear.
"Even when Papa warns her not to."

A gasp escapes my lips and I slap my hand over my mouth. His attention is directed onto me. He gets up, and strides toward me. I stumble back, whimpering in fear.

"Please, no. Please.." I beg, blinking repeatedly to stop the tears threatening to fall as he grabs my arm and pushes me into the small, familiar dark room. I stare at him, my mind numb from all the pain.

"The previous time, it was just a day. But you made the same mistake again. Even after you were warned."

"You never obey me, Alyssa."

"And because of your fault, this time it's three days."

„Nein Papa, bitte!" I hear Aurora's cries in the background.

I watch as he shuts the door. It emits a high-pitched echo, followed by the sound of the lock clicking from the other side.

"No."

The words come out of my mouth in a silent whisper. My vision slowly returns as my whole body feels like it's on fire. A sharp pain shoots through my skull, throbbing loudly. Making it all I could hear. Cool sweat trickles down my temples, blending with the tears that blur my vision. I put my trembling hands over my mouth to stifle the sobs in a desperate attempt to regain control. My whole body trembles uncontrollably. The heat radiating from within intensifies, suffocating me as I struggle to catch my breath. My heart pounds in my chest, elevating to impossible heights as memories flood into my mind like a tsunami, dragging me deeper into the darkness I fought so hard to stay out of.

My whole body was overwhelmed by the flood of emotions consuming me whole.
„Nein." I squeeze my eyes, my voice barely a whisper. I focus on regaining control over my racing breaths. Since childhood, I had rigorously trained my mind to suppress the tears. To make sure my eyes remained as dry as they were when I was left to die in that blizzard.
But months of burying my emotions had finally taken their toll, leaving me unable to bear the pain any longer.

I tightly wrap my arms around my knees. My body is trembling uncontrollably, my breaths coming in short, painful gasps. Each breath feels like a struggle as if my body was being wracked by invisible waves of desolation. Time seems to stretch on as I endure the torment, each second passing like an eternity.

I wait, hoping for the panic attack to subside, but the pangs of torment linger, shaking me to my core. Moestie comes into view and snuggles up against my legs, offering a comforting warmth. I know I must be patient, allowing this to run its course.

I focus on my breath, striving to slow it down. It's a painful waiting game, but I know that eventually, the intensity will wane. Just as it always has.

It's a cycle.

After a long, gruelling thirty minutes, it finally subsides. The tears may have stopped, but the pain lingers. I take a moment to collect myself, feeling the weight on my chest gradually lift.
Taking a deep breath, I welcome the calm that settles after the storm.