The Words I Wish I Could Say

You were such a beautiful soul and person. I believe everyone should be as lucky as I was to have met a person like you.
You were always so kind and happy even though you were really struggling. The last time I saw you, you had to use a walking cane but I never knew that when I left it would be the last time seeing you.
I feel so guilty for leaving cuba that last time 4 years ago. I know it's not my fault but I wish I could've spent more time with you, I wish you would've asked for help.
I'm so incredibly lucky to have had someone like you to grow up around and you always brought everyone so much peace. Even though I was young when I left and only came to visit once a year, I still always appreciated you because even though you had nothing most of the time you were always willing to give me everything.
I was finally able to go to cuba again and the second I walked past your house, I felt like breaking down. I just felt so helpless to know that i have had everything and you had nothing and I could never do anything about it.
I knew it was true that you passed but part of me wished it wasn't and that when I walked past your house you'd still be there, sitting on your front porch, with that beautiful and friendly smile you always had on your face no matter what you were going through, whether it was good or bad. You always dealt with your problems in silent because you didn't want to worry anyone and that breaks my heart to even think about.
Your wife hasn't been doing too good either, sadly I wasn't able to see her and I know I never will again. When I found out you died it's like a piece of me died with you that night. I know you're at peace now and you're not struggling anymore, but at least you didn't have to see your isla bella go down into nothingness. It's as if you were too much of a precious soul to have to live through what they're going through right now, it's like god knew your sweet heart wouldn't have been able to take it.
I think about you everyday and it breaks my heart more and more everytime. The thought of never seeing you again, the thought of regret for leaving all of you behind in distaster, the thought that I didn't hug you long enough, the thought of not being there for your funeral, the thought that I was never able to give you a proper goodbye,
the goodbye you deserved.
I know its not my fault but it's just so hard to not feel guilty and ashamed of myself. I miss you more than I ever thought I could.
Finally being able to go to cuba again this time was really hard, I always thought that when I went again it wouldve healed a little hole in my heart that needed fixing, or that it was going to be the missing piece to my heart, but in all honesty I think it just made more holes and lost more pieces to it. Having to see everyone struggling and everything destroyed really destroyed me too.
A part of me is glad you never had to live through this dreadful situation but a part of me wished you were still here with us.
I miss you and your wife so much, even though she's not physically gone yet, it still hurts because I know her time is coming soon and I never got to say goodbye to her either.
Your death destroyed me and it feels like the only thing still keeping you close to me and still keeping your spirt alive is her.
Yet again, maybe she's not physically gone but she's mentally gone. Her soul died with you that day, it's buried within you.
That night, I lost not just one, but three people.
You, her, and me.
It almost seems selfish to want so much more of you but honestly sometimes it feels like I just need you. I need the thought of you being alive to still live within me, to keep me going.
No matter what happens I know for a fact your beautiful spirit will always be with us and you'll always live in my heart.
For you I keep trying because I know that you always did and would've wanted the best for me no matter the situation. I also know i'll never fully find peace with myself, and with everything around me because of what i've had to live through and see the people I love live through but i'll be okay.
Just for you.
Every time I walk past your house from then and on, it still feels like you're there, maybe it's because I can't get over it and i'm stuck on the past, or maybe it's because you are.
A soul like yours is too bright to die out.
To the words I wish I would've said before I left you for the last time. The words that will haunt me to the day I die. To the most loving person I will ever meet, a person who deserved a lot more than they were given.
I love you.
You'll always live in our hearts forever, even if people forget you, you'll never die out because you're still alive in me.
I'll miss you forever.

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To the words I wish I could say.

If you're dealing with a loved ones death, always remember it's never your fault. When a persons time is here there's nothing anyone in the world could do to stop it, death is everyone's fate, never fear it. Reach out to people for help and always remember that just because they're physically gone doesn't mean they're actually gone. They'll always live within you, in your heart and mind.