Shades of Grey

Chapter One; Silicon, Saline, Poison

Strify heaved a sigh and remembered all those depressing days he’d gotten drunk to make himself feel better. It didn’t feel right, because to him all the things which had happened to him seemed... Unreal. Falling in love, feeling ecstatic, wining the EBBA award, everything seemed surreal. Even getting drunk wouldn’t take away the bout of depression which seemed to pull him in deeper into the parts of his subconscious where he knew was no return. He found himself giving up, as though his lifeline was dependant on a piece of firewood which had caught fire. All those memories he wanted to remember, which were stored in the back of his mind came flashing before his eyes. Raindrops started to fall on his skin making him feel exposed, drowning out the tears which were threatening to fall over. He held the paper in his hand, almost crumpling it into a ball; he wanted to throw it away knowing that the black shadow which dangled over his head wouldn’t escape him. He wanted to reach out desperately, and cling on that last thread of hope which seemed to vanish in the outskirts of his mind. He didn’t want to hurt his band mates, or even Lexie, even though by now he knew that when she confessed her feelings to him was just another illusion. No doubt even when they shared a kiss might have been also just a figment of his bizarre imagination.

For one thing, if they had shared a kiss, Kiro would have killed him. He himself knew how much of a playboy he was, and knowing how protective Kiro was of his little sister, he would obviously be a no, no on Lexie’s “approved” list of boys she could date. Strify could feel his head throb horribly; and he decided to go on home. On his way to the car, he wiped his tears away with the back of his hand. He knew that if he went back home with a tear stained face, his friend would jump to conclusions and drop questions on his head. Just thinking about that intensified his headache. He wished that he could go back in time, but that would be useless as he could not stop himself from having pains in his own body. Reluctantly, he thought back to the time when he had gotten his first headache which branched out in a series of later ache’s which led to his condition now. He had ignored everything, the headache’s, the fact that he couldn’t process enough words to make sense in a song, his constant mood changes. In the preceding months his simple headache’s deepened into migraines, and he had to take on the same prescription Shin took when he had bouts of migraines. Finally, Lexie urged him to go to the hospital, which he now did and which was the ultimate cause of his miserable mood.

It took him about an hour to reach home; he took his time trying to drink in his surroundings. All the time which he had spent in New York, his failures and his achievements, everything ran back to him. From the time when he had come to USA for the first time, with the guys, to when he met Lady Gaga and to his different concerts. He wanted to make the best of his time left on this earth; but time seemed to halt like a train which would never reach the station. Sometimes he thought he was someone else, in another body because he felt so uncomfortable in this one; as though he were a stranger to himself.

Before he could even touch the doorknob, it turned and the door opened revealing a very startled pair of green eyes staring back at him. Strify furrowed his brows; he wasn’t expecting to meet anyone halfway to his room. He shoved the paper hurriedly into his jeans back pocket. ‘Oi, where were you? We couldn’t do the Buzznet interview because you weren’t around! I called your phone a thousand times, but you didn’t even have enough decency to pick up!’ yelled an overactive Kiro. Strify grimaced at the thought when he was undergoing the tests, his phone kept ringing consistently.

‘I was busy...’ reasoned Strify, as he ran a hand through his hair. He mentally cursed himself, it wasn’t that he didn’t want Cinema Bizarre to gain popularity; he just had some personal issues he just couldn’t discuss with anyone. ‘I had to take some tests because Lexie kept telling me too, but you know how much I hate hospitals.’

Kiro raised his eyebrows, so much, that Strify thought they would get tangled in his unruly hair. He groaned inwardly, preparing himself for the bombarding questions. He wanted to take his words back, answering questions wasn’t something he wanted to do. ‘Tests? Don’t tell me you have AIDS!’

Strify stared at his band mate, trying to dampen his anger so that he could give a reasonable answer to Kiro. ‘Stop overreacting, if you’re so concerned, why don’t you go ask your sister why she forced me to take them!’ In a fit of rage, he closed the door with a bang and made his way to his bedroom. He heard muffled sounds which were made out to be “sorry”, but he chose to ignore them. Upon reaching his bedroom, the door suddenly opened, nearly missing him by an inch. Strify stood there stunned for a few seconds.

‘What were you doing in my room?’ he asked, trying to keep his anger under control. Regarding what was happening with him; he could even break out into tears in the very moment and not want any sort of apology. But he hated it when anyone invaded his privacy. ‘You’re not supposed to be in my room, Yu.’

‘I was just looking for some condoms, don’t get so steamy on me or I’ll think you wanna join,’ Yu winked at him. ‘But I didn’t find any, where do you keep them anyway, huh?’

‘Do you people think I have sex all the time? Kiro here thinks I have AIDS and now you think I keep condoms stashed in my room! You think I’m some deranged lunatic?’ Strify shot back, glaring daggers at Yu.

By now, Strify couldn’t even control the anger which burned inside him. His emotions were conflicted, he needed to cry out, yell at someone or even pull at his own hair. He wanted to scream, because life was an unfair bitch. He studied the confused look which was plastered over Yu’s face, suddenly his outburst of anger faded slowly and a new emotion awoke inside him; guilt. Guilt, at why he had yelled at his own best friends. ‘I... I’m sorry.’ He felt irritated, angry, sad and guilty. His emotions felt like puzzle pieces which weren’t solved and to see the whole picture he needed to put the pieces together, but he forgot how. Not wanting to explain his sudden outburst, he proceeded towards his bedroom.

‘You OK, man?’ said Yu. ‘You seem a little pissed off, and Kiro just told me you went to the hospital for some check-up. Did something happen?’

Strify stopped right in his tracks; involuntarily his hand went straight to the jeans pocket where he had put the test paper. Turning back, he managed a smile. ‘I’m fine.’ He sounded as though he was trying to convince himself more than his band mates.

‘You don’t look it.’

In some part of his mind, he wanted to tell the truth that he certainly was not OK, but he knew the chain reaction of events which would take place after that. Everyone would feel pity for him; they would have to make time for his treatments and their fans and music would feel neglected. He didn’t want that and he could not let it happen. ‘I’m tired, I’ll be fine after a nap,’ he stated.

‘Just don’t forget that we have a studio session tomorrow, oh and Lexie wants to come to see how you sing. She’s enamoured by you, but you stay away from her. Just saying,’ Kiro said, in a light tone, but Strify knew how to read between the lines.

He wished Kiro hadn't mentioned Lexie, because he needed to explain what the doctors had told him. Even if he hid everything, Lexie had a way of finding out everything. She was as curious as a cat, trying to figure out how some contraption worked or reading somebody's body language fluently. She always wanted everyone to be happy, if she ever found out about Strify, if would break her and maybe that sparkle in her eye would fade away. He loved her too much to see her that way. On the other hand, a thought again passed his mind that their love was also unreal, he wished that he'd told her he loved her before. Shaking that thought out of his mind. he smiled up at Kiro, to give him an impression that everything would go smoothly. He groaned inwardly when he saw birds fluttering above his friend's head, sighing he went to his room to take out the prescription his doctor had given him for the medicine if his hallucinations came back again.