Trained by the Mafia

Chapter 36: How to live again

SAM'S POV
I was shocked by that revelation. I was right, he was, indeed, an Assassin like me and, may I add, that he was a really good one, given the fact that he had 02. This fact that he was, indeed, stronger than me, made my body tense up, ready to fight if he did a wrong move.

"Relax, Reddy" he said, a small smile easing on his face.

"Reddy?" I asked, not understanding what he was saying.
He just scrolled his shoulders "It's my nickname for you, Reddy, because your hair is red you know?".

I looked at him, shock clear on my face before bursting out in a laugh. Man, I didn't remember for how long I haven't laughed like that; he really knew how to make people laugh.
Minutes passed by and I finally regained my composure. He was still in front of me, his sleeves rolled up, neatly and for the first time since I was there, I saw him smile. It wasn't a fake one, it seemed genuine and like he was really happy to see me like that.

"I'm not a threat to you Reddy, relax, I have abandoned that awful 'job' a long time ago" he continued, trying to ease my body but it wouldn't respond to me.

I tried to put down my guard, I really tried, but it wouldn't ease up, maybe because I wasn't really trusting him. Then, his words registered in my mind: 'I have abandoned that job a long time ago'. So...he he escaped! He succeeded in Tatar and he was able to build a new life.

Once again, I was shocked, there, in front of my eyes, was a person, an ex Assassin, who managed to build a new life, to be involved with other people but mostly be happy. Oh my fucking God, he...he was the proof that even I maybe could get what he had, that even I could be living with Mick and Max.

"Hey...hey Reddy, it's okay" he said, taking a few steps forward and reaching out for me.

I closed my eyes, ready for the intense pain of a strike that never came. Instead I felt arms circling my body and my head was then touching a strong chest. One hand was through my hair, caressing it, while the other was drawing circles down my back.

I didn't realize that I was crying until I felt the saltiness of the tears in my mouth. He continued to hold me close to his chest, comforting me with sweet words and continuing with his movements, making me relax ever so slightly.

"Shhhh, let it all out Reddy, it's good to cry sometimes, you'll feel so much better after this" he said, soothingly and I just did that, crying on his shirt.

I don't know how many minutes or even hours it took me to calm down but I finally recovered and pushed slightly to his chest, signaling that I was now okay and that he could let go of me.

"Thanks" I whispered, not really used to all that kindness.
"No problem" he answered, probably understanding my awkwardness.

He motioned to the couch and we sat together, but this time we weren't that far away like before. We were nearer and I could tell that my body slowly became accustomed to his and was letting down some of the walls that I've built throughout the years.

"How...how have you managed to change your life?" I asked, after pausing, hoping that he would tell me the key to turning my life upside down.

"Honestly, I don't know, I like to think that  I was too tired of that kind of life and wanted to change completely and do it by myself but the reality is that Monica and James saved me." He began, beginning to get lost in his memories. "Yeah, they picked up the pieces and built me up from head to toe. I won't lie Reddy, it took a lot of time and a lot of tears, anger and much more; but surely here I am, happy again".

I could feel all the love and gratitude he had towards his two lovers and my thoughts, inevitably, went to two Italian Mafia Men. They have done so much for me and I didn't even noticed it, I didn't notice how I had changed since they took me in.

"I don't want to tell you how to live your life but I just want you to know that for us...for us Assassin, love and happiness aren't impossibile for our life. Everyone deserves to be loved and happy, some more than others. You can do it Sam, you can change and let people in" he said, looking into my bi-color eyes and putting one of his hands onto my chest, right we're my heart was.

I bit down on my bottom lip, my eyes watered but I didn't want to cry, a part of me didn't want to feel anything at all but the other one, just wanted for all of this pain to just dissolve. I wanted to change so badly but I was scared that if I went into people's lives then, I would have destroyed them.

"Don't." He scolded me, his voice becoming low and almost frightened me, almost. "I know what you're thinking Reddy, I thought that too before".

"I-I wasn't..." I tried but I didn't know what to say, in the end, he had been through this too, he wasn't an alien, he knew I was feeling because he felt the same thing.

"You just have to stop thinking and start listening to what your heart says" he said, ruffling my hair, making it messier than it already was.

"I can't. I-I don't know what's wrong with me! I want what you have! I want to feel loved and happy, I want to change so badly but I'm scared! What if the people I love die because of me?! What if they throw me out because I'm just a waste of space!?" I blurted out, confessing to him everything that was running through my head at the moment.

"Reddy, calm down! Take deep breaths and hear me out. I know it won't be easy, I've never said that; it will take time before you can finally understand what's going on with your body or what you're feeling and how to deal with them. Step by step, big or small that they will be, you'll learn all of that, you'll learn how to live again but it will take time." He said to me, taking my hands in his.

"I don't want to kill anymore" I said, finally saying out loud what my true desire was.

I didn't want to kill people anymore; I didn't want to see their eyes turn off displaying nothing more than void; I didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night because of all the lives that I've taken that were haunting my dreams; I didn't want to be alone anymore.

"I know Reddy and I'll help you, I'll help you become the person you want to be but like I said, don't expect it to be easy nor fast. You don't have to push yourselves because it will only result in your downfall" he explained and I nodded "Good, now wipe those tears away, freshened up and dress because we are going out"

"What!?!" I exclaimed not really seeing how going out would have helped me.

"I've something that I want to show you so go, you have 5 minutes" he said, and in those words I could see his past Assassin self.

So, because I didn't want to challenge him, I ran upstairs, preparing mentally for what was coming.