Short Story Collection

Lonely

I lay in the bed of my plain dorm, staring at the ceiling. Sleep seemed so distant. My mind runs faster than a hamster on a wheel. I had tried everything, even counting sheep, but nothing worked. My eyes drift to my nightstand. I reach for the orange pill bottle. It was light. All of my meds are gone.
     Guess I won't be sleeping tonight.
     I sigh and roll back over, the silence loud and overwhelming. I need to get out. Laying here won't do me any good. I won't sleep either way. After a moment's hesitation, a small hope that somehow sleep would find its way to me, I stand and exit my dorm. The cool air hits me immediately, stinging my lips and skin. It's refreshing.
     It's pitch dark outside. I pull my phone out and check the time—only a quarter past two.
     It felt later.
     I continue to walk, with no destination in mind. I let my feet carry me and my mind wander. I walk for what feels like hours, but I know it's less. When I look around me, the scenery has changed. Instead of the identical housing on campus with its weak lighting that makes you feel like you're in a dream, around me is a small park. I recognize it immediately. This is the place I go to clear my head. The place I have visited with my friends so often before.
     I try not to think of my friends because I miss them and when I miss them I start to get sad. But I can't stop myself. I look around the park and see happy memories flash before my eyes. Rosie and Ceol chase each other around like doofuses. Zen and Korin arguing, but it's actually just Korin who's getting angry because Zen never says a word. Their cheerfulness warms me like a bright ray of sunshine. The absence of my friends hits me again. Suddenly it feels like there's this hollow hole in my heart that I've never felt before. My cheeks feel damp and small droplets splash on the ground at my feet. I look up, but there is no rain. I'm confused. The droplets keep falling, making the ground damp, but the sky is clear. I raise my hand to my face, tracing it up to my eye.
     Oh. This isn't rain.
     These are tears.
     I miss them.
     I know I will see them again. I know that if I wait, the hole that is my heart will be filled. But I can't wait. I want to see them right now. I need to see them. The tears don't stop, instead, they flow more. They roll off my chin in waves, splattering the pavement. I'm sure there's a puddle now. Maybe I can cry one so big to drown myself in. Then I won't ever feel lonely again. No, then I will never feel again. Because I'll be dead.
     Death doesn't sound too bad, I think. Drowning sounds peaceful. Engulfed by endless waters. I know what I'm thinking isn't right, but my heartache feels too strong. It weighs me down, pushing me harder into the Earth. It's almost enough to make me give in.
     Almost.
     Now my legs feel weak. I've been crying for minutes now. My breaths come raggedly, my chest heaving. I let myself fall to the ground. The loose asphalt digs into my bare skin, puncturing my knees and calves wherever it can. It hurts. It hurts so much. The intoxication that is pain turns my whole body numb. My limbs will not move. The rapid rise and fall of my chest increases. The world is spinning now as I grasp desperately at anything near me. Adrenaline surges through me, my mind turns blank. My body screams for me to run, to escape. From what? I don't know.
     I try to stand, but I fall again. My knees slide on the pavement. I can feel the blood trickling down my legs. I'm scared. I don't know what's happening. I want to run, but I can't. I'm alone, I know that. I'm always alone. So what am I running from?
     I decide to fix my breathing. I try to slow down my breaths, but I fail. I resort to holding my breath. For a minute, it seems to have worked. The panic feeling slowly starts to subside. I let out that breath. My breathing is steady. I inhale sharply. My breath quickens once more and I look at myself in confusion. I just went through this! I try to yell, but words don't come out. The breaths come in small hiccups. It's worse than before. My chest hurts now. I've been heaving for a long time. It's a surprise I haven't passed out yet. I'm sure someone must have heard me. If not my sobs, then my rapid heartbeat. How could they not? It was so loud. Louder than any drums you could ever hear.
     I place my hands on either side of me, trying to ground myself. It was a technique I had found inside a Spiritual Help book. I focus on my breathing again, this time putting more effort into controlling the sharp hiccupping. I inhale deeply, letting the crisp night air fill my lungs. I exhale slowly. I tell myself I am in control. I inhale again. Then exhale. I repeat the process several times until, gradually, I start to steady. There is still a slight tingle in my hands and legs, telling me to run, but I can think now.
     I slowly climb to my feet. My legs shake with every movement. I stand successfully. I look around the park again. It was shrouded in darkness, but I can recognize every single detail. I turn away before I can succumb to my pitiful loneliness once more.
     I make my way down the block. By the time I reach the familiar campus housing with dreamlike lighting, my body has returned to normal. I walk up the steps to my dorm and enter. I know I won't be able to sleep, but I lay down on my bed anyway. Perhaps if I pretend to sleep, my body will be tricked. It's only wishful thinking.
     I stare at the ceiling for many hours, waiting for the sun to peak over the horizon and say hello.