A broken heart is all that's left
I've spent all of the love I saved
All I know, loving you is a losing game
—Arcade, Duncan Laurence
***
After flushing my vomit in the toilet, I pick up the stuff I put on the basin's edge. My heart beats rapidly. What I'm waiting for is something that could change my life completely. I stare at the kit. Then, the screen begins to change. I hold my breath. One second, two ....
I almost fell to my knees. Two lines. Two red lines.
"Haa ... haa ..."
My breath becomes ragged. I grip the test kit in my hand, almost crushing it.
Of course, I already had suspicions before. The nauseous feeling I had, the period that didn't come for weeks, and my fluctuating moods lately; the symptoms are there. I didn't have any courage to tell anyone, especially the person that took the responsibility along with me. I hid my pain and told my friends it was just my GERD acting up and apologized for my unstable emotion, making an excuse because of the stress I had. I told them I was fine and smiled, acting high-spirited as usual. I don't know if they would notice. But, surely, that person wouldn't. He didn't pay attention to me when I was sick anyway, so why would he now?
I bite my lips. The thought of him is enough to make my chest tighten and my heart throbbed with pain. If I'm strong enough, I could brush it off like nothing. But, I'm not.
Raising my head, I look at my reflection in the mirror. The blonde girl there looks back at me with a pair of hollow darkness without any glimmer of hope. Her pale lips quiver.
I don't know her.
I don't want to admit I know her.
Because she is the person I hid inside all this time, someone I don't want to show to anyone, but she crawls back when we're alone, when my frail mask crumbles. When he fills my head and heart.
I always tried, really tried to hold my ground. But, at the end of the day, I'm still that weak girl whose heart is no longer her own. I know loving him is only a losing game, but I still love him anyway. And I am falling too deeply while his figure is getting far away from my reach.
Then, I'm being left behind. Alone.
He is in the present I cherish and in the future I imagine, but maybe I'm not even in his eyes. He owns my whole heart, but his own heart is closed to me. I gave him everything, but it's all discarded because I'm nothing to him.
And now it is too late to realize because I'm already too broken beyond repair while he left me with something too heavy to carry on my own.
Tears stream down my face. I let myself fall to the floor, hugging my knees while sobbing without any restraint.
It's fine.
It's okay.
This will be the last time I will let this pain hurt me, let him and my loneliness tear my heart. After this, I promise I will get up and move forward because I have something precious that needs me to stay strong. So, only for the last time, I will let my weakness take over and desperately scream my yearning for him.
***
The song, Arcade, keeps playing in my head (because I listened to that one while reading a very heart wrenching novel and I'm still broken after finish reading the book) and I desperately need something to get it out, so I wrote this fic.
