heartbreak in many forms

10am is mine and i think its lovely

TW: emetophobia. Proceed with caution

His eyes ran through me. Blueish, brownish, golden-ish.. they were every colour. And they pierced my soul, locking eyes with me just one time but having full control over me within that one moment for less than a second.

It was only a month after he broke my heart.. but if I was honest with myself, he was the only one I had eyes for anyway. But he always had a girlfriend.

He liked girls. He likes girls. And I'm a guy, I can't be a girl. I mean, maybe if I was trans; but I'm not. Nothing wrong with it, but I'm not trans. I'm content, happy even, with being a boy. And he is too, and he's straight. His girlfriend cheated on him multiple times and he cheated on her to get back at her and they were still together. But now, here he is, staring at me while I had him pinned to a wall and was getting close to him. Looking into his eyes, just for that moment, stole my necessity for oxygen. His eyes somehow replaced the very emptiness I felt from the last relationship I had, and somehow, just in less than milliseconds, it's like my whole life and come back to me. But I was so scared of getting attached to him that I averted my gaze, despite my longing for his eyes.

He has been in my school for 4 years, and from the minute he walked in I was already obsessed. I remember it so clearly. He stared daggers at me snd rolled his eyes just as quickly, but now he stares at me with something gentler. The first time he spoke to me he said, with a harshness I had omly heard from my father, "ew, die." But now, when he speaks to me, it's filled with something softer.
"I'm not the cute one." And his smile is so tantalising, I'm not all too sure what s expected of me whenever he shows me it. As if it's just for me to see.

I like this boy... but he likes girls.

I never thought I'd feel anything like this again, especially so soon. I gave up my entirety for a boy who didn't even have the courtesy of breaking up with me before moving on to his next despite knowing he wanted to end it with us... and yet now, suddenly, out of fucking nowhere, the same guy I was obsessed with 4 years ago, who I got myself over because it wouldn't get anywhere, becomes the new prominent thought in my head. The only thought in my head...

Fuck, I feel sick. But not the same as when I was with him... this feels nicer, in some fucked up way. I could feel the acid crawling up my oesophagus, as though it were using little daggers to scale up the walls of slight muscular walls surrounding the tube the led down go my stomach from my mouth, sitting right at the end of my throat and waiting, patiently, for me to force it out. Except, when the burning sensation left my body, and the slight tingle left a strange feeling on my tongue, and the taste was a mix of nothing and everything at once diluted and concentrated.

Nevermind.

Thick blood crawled its way up my throat and when i coughed it came out followed by the acid of my stomach considering my lack of eating. He texted me, asking about if I wanted a shirt for my birthday and I said yes. I probably could have told him then. I probably could have told him I love him right in that moment, but instead I brought up his ex girlfriend.

—

It was 9:57am, and neither of us were in our first period because why would we be? He and I fake dated and having people constantly call him my boyfriend made me elated but his face looked sad, because I wasn't a girl. He doesn't have to admit it, but it's because I'm a boy that he doesn't enjoy things with me the way he does with his ex girlfriend. They were supposed to have kids together! And she likes all the things he does... So there was no real reason for him to fake date me, she wasn't even talking with him. It was none of her business and she had no clue about it at all so why would he if not to make her jealous?
"You know I do actually like you?"

What? That's impossible... Perfection can't like something so useless like me why would be take me for a fool like that! "I just pretended to like someone else but I want you as my real boyfriend.."

9:58am now, and I'm walking towards him with a smile appearing on my face as I get close to him, one hand holding his waist and the other leaning against the wall to trap him. 9:59am
"You want a real boyfriend?"
"Yes."
10am
"Then I'm your real boyfriend."
"Thank you." And he smiled as I let go. Time for class... Time for class and now perfection is my boyfriend. How amusing.

But it would seem I still had to fight off many people.