The Wildest Dream

Adelaide's private Journal

Old Journal back when she was 13

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24th June,2013 | Rainy time | Time: 9:43am | Junior year; In school

On quiz day, confident but nervous about results.

Last night, I sat down to study after having a filling and relaxing dinner. My mind was, however, consumed by a barrage of questions. What if I fail this time? What will happen? Will my father be disappointed with my performance? And what about my mother? Will she take away my gadgets as punishment or reduce my allowance? I know my parents are never truly satisfied, even when I score near the maximum marks. Instead of praise and recognition, I usually receive a nod or they simply ignore me, or worse, they make hurtful comments.

I understood the significance of quizzes, especially given that they contributed to my standing in the clubs I belonged to. The potential of failing even one quiz today posed a risk of removal from the clubs, something my parents would strongly object to. Yet, I had consistently taken care of my academic responsibilities, never missing any tests or quizzes. My teachers and classmates had faith in my abilities and assured me that failure was unlikely. However, there was concern about my tendency to overdo things. They had observed me dozing off in class or appearing overworked. During breaks, I rarely rested; instead, I continued studying or working on club activities.

While I appreciated their concern about my well-being, it was difficult for me to slow down and take time to rest. I found myself caught in a cycle of constantly working and studying, feeling as though I had to prove myself in every aspect. The pressure to excel in academics, maintain my presence in clubs, and ensure that my parents' expectations were met, left little room for relaxation or self-care. The thought of facing failure or disappointing my parents only added to my sense of responsibility and urgency to keep pushing myself harder.

I knew I had to achieve a perfect score or at least the highest among my classmates, as a way to earn my parents' trust and prevent any scolding or disappointment. I was always anxious whenever it was time to present my results to them, as I knew they would demand to see my scorecards and ask numerous questions. Instead of offering me words of praise or encouragement, they focused on my position and areas for improvement. Despite all my efforts, I longed for them to simply tell me that they were proud of me and had faith in my abilities. Just a few words of encouragement or comfort would mean the world to me

It's true that it's part of life. Seeing other children being hugged by their parents and hearing words of pride and appreciation from them makes me feel a bit envious. I can't help but wonder if my own parents would ever do the same, acknowledging my efforts and expressing their appreciation for me.

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25th June, 2013 | Sunny day | Time: 11:04am | Junior year; In school

Result day! I did it but.. I'm scared to show it to my parents.

Today, I checked the results that were displayed on the board for all students to see. The list revealed the top scorer in each class for the current academic year, with our individual scores also indicated next to our names.

I pushed my way through the crowd of students obstructing the board, my heart pounding with anticipation and anxiety. As I searched for my name among the list of top scorers, I felt my hands shake and my breath quicken. The need to know my performance weighed heavily on me. Would my results be disappointing or satisfactory? I couldn't silence the nagging doubts in my mind. In my mind's eye, I envisioned my parents' disappointed expressions, and their voices echoed in my thoughts, making the situation even more unbearable. As I finally reached my result paper, I scanned through it until I found my name at the top of the list.