Everything for him

...

I don't think I'm over you, I think I miss your sweet voice. As more time passes I feel more and more lonely. I miss someone I can trust to open up to. Losing a person suddenly, without any signs of change in the relationship hurts a lot. It hurts a lot after all the time we spent together. We created so many beautiful memories and made so many plans. Plans that will not come true. You were my first true love, first kiss, first live viewing, first venture into something big. I never blamed you during this time. I'm not, because I know that I'm also to blame, if not maybe more. I was constantly doing stupid things and hurting you, even though I never wanted to, I did. Honestly, I was in relationships after you. Those were just bad substitutions for you. Laughing with someone, until you can't look them in the eyes because they reminds you of someone who locked your heart, simply suffocates you. Just when I think I'm doing well, I find our pictures in the gallery, hear songs that remind me of you, someone mention your name... Then everything starts all over again. I'm going round and round again. I'm looking for you even though I know you're not there. I still love you like the first day. You are irreplaceable and unrepeatable. At the end of the day you steal my sleep, you don't let me go until the morning. When I wake up, you're on my mind again. I often feel the need to write to you. I often miss your hug, the only honest one. I miss your sweet words when the world is crumbling before my eyes. I miss you, I fucking miss you. I could never blame you for one mistake, despite the thousands of good things you've done. It would never have occurred to me. No matter how much time passes, you will always be a wound in my heart, a wound that no one knows about. While my soul is splitting deep in my heart you lie, that's something that still keeps me on my feet. That place where you are lying, no one will ever talk to you anywhere near. Never ever. And I don't even care about my pain anymore, I'm getting used to living with it, it has become a part of my life. My soul hurts because I know what you went through when we were together, and I'm afraid you've stayed the same. I don't want you to fall apart again and again. I hope you have a person next to you who understands you and comforts you. The person who gives you the love you need. I hope your indescribably beautiful eyes are not spilling pearls. I hope your face is not wet with tears. It also hurts me to know that you forget me over time. What I know is that the more time passes, the farther we are from each other. That there are fewer and fewer opportunities for me to hug or kiss you. And before we drift even further... Sorry for not being good enough, sorry for constantly causing you pain, sorry for not being able to give you everything you needed, for being too jealous, for exaggerating things too much, because I couldn't help you with your thinking, because I gave you reasons for overthinking and jealousy, because I fell asleep many times without writing you good night and I love you, because I didn't manage to show you how much I love you. Sorry for wasting your time.
-a