Insecurity

Chapter 1

"You know you should be real appreciative for all the things I do for you!!!"

"Momma what are you talking about! You don't do anything for me! You make me hate everything about myself! You make sure I feel like shit everyday..."

"Because that's exactly what you are. Nothing but a fucking mistake. Girl do you know why your here? You are a failed attempt to keep a nigga, but I should have known better. Tuh. Nothing but some fresh pussy would make that nigga stay. I should have aborted your ass when I had the chance." She began to pace and mumble to herself. "Shit I know why I keep your ugly ass. I need them damn food stamps."

I couldn't take it anymore. I had to deal with this everyday. I had been since the day I was born. She made me hate everything there is to hate. She told me to not even try because I wouldn't do anything with my life. Sometimes I wondered if anyone would love and be there for me. I already knew the answer though. My own mother didn't even want me. My blood started to boil and my eyes started to water.

"What food stamps would you be speaking of? The ones for your next fix? You are a crackhead and a worthless hoe and the devil himself," I was breathing so hard, my hands shaking, "that is why no one stays around."

I ran upstairs as she continued to scream, calling me bitch, whore, or whatever came to her head as I grabbed my things. I ran to my closet for some clothes, the bathroom for toiletries, then to her room for money. I lifted the left end of her mattress where she kept her stash.

"Great," I mumbled to myself, " she already bought her next fix, "I guess I'm out of luck."

I left her room and walked back down the stairs.

"Where the hell you think you're going?" I ignore her. She chuckled, "well Miss Bitch, don't come back either. I've had enough of your black ass."

I kept ignoring her as I walked down the street. She kept screaming hateful words at me. I walked around the corner until I was out of her sight before I started crying. I couldn't hold it any longer. I sat on the ground crying as people just looked at me then countined their business. After twenty minutes I grabbed my things and went to my grandmother's house.

When I made it there I used the key she gave me to get in.

"Grandma?" No one answered. "GRANDMA?" Still no answer.

Since she was not home I decided to take a hot shower and get some sleep. I put my stuff in her waterbed room and took some clothes out of my bookbag. I went to the bathroom and got undressed. I turned and couldn't help but to look at myself in the mirror.

There's nothing beautiful about a darkskin girl.

I sighed and turned the water on hot with a little cold and jumped in. I heard the door open and my grandmother's voice.

"Didn't I tell yo ass to stay out my damn house? I may be old but I can still pull a trigger."

I peeked my head out and there stood her with her pistol.

"It's just me Granny."

"Oh, hi baby. Whatchu doin here scaring me like that. I thought you were that ol crackhead that keeps comin up in here. Thought I was gonna have to waste my bullets tonight."

"You're always pulling that thing on someone. Please put it away before you accidently pull the trigger for real."

"It's just a gun, sweetheart. Nothin to be scared of. And you know that dumb ass gun control plan will never work. Not in this country, baby." she said walking out.

I chucked to myself. That old lady is something else.

I rinsed the soap off of my body and hopped out. I got dressed in a long t shirt and athletic shorts and went to the kitchen.