starfall

Take Four

   [Mentions of death and suicide]

   This is the third time they've been separated. The third time they've met. The third time she existed. The fourth time he has. It's repetitive. 

   It feels hopeless, almost. Will it ever get past this? Was this supposed to happen? Just an infinite time loop? So many questions. No answers. It's ridiculous. Who's forcing me to do this? Star swims away. She tried to swim against the currents, but why didn't she just swim over to the riverbank and run after him? Is she stupid? Is somebody mocking me? Is God testing my patience? What kind of sick game is this?

   It hurts to restart this project. I don't enjoy working it, never did from the start. It's terrible. Every time, they come back as different people. The first time, Heart was extremely adventurous. He loved everything about the Earth. The land, the water, the sky, the colors, the heat, the cold, anything you could name. He loved the animals, playing and running and all sorts of activities. I realized he might need a companion. As he ventured into the world with great interest, I worked and worked to make him a friend. Star.

   I realized in order to add Star into the new world, I had to restart the project. So I added Heart and Star, together. They were close in the beginning. They grew up together, traveled together, ate, ran, and swam. The only problem was that Heart's personality changed. He had no feelings for anyone or thing but he and Star. He loved destruction. Star enjoyed creation. Their interests clashed. They do say opposites attract, but they couldn't stop fighting. It got to the point where Heart didn't care about Star anymore. In fact, he loathed her. One night, while I was half awake, I was watching them bicker about something else. It was at the same lake Heart nearly drowned in today. Heart began to grow increasingly angry with Star. She knew not to respond with anything that'd make him mad by now. She didn't plead. She just stared. By the end of this take, she was blank. Empty. Broken. Heart wanted her to be angry though, or feel some kind of negative emotion. So he pushed her into the river. Held her down. Watched her drown. She pleaded then. She begged and screamed for him to stop.

   He didn't.

   The joy on his face was repulsing. He enjoyed it so much. It was the first time he ever attempted to kill someone as big as him. I didn't want to continue that project. I was terrified. I restarted it before she died. 

   Take three. I separated them. Extremely far. I was terrified after what happened in take two. They never found each other. Each day grew increasingly boring. Somehow, they were finding stimulation within a world full of nothing, but I wasn't having it. I didn't want another situation where they were at each others' throats again. So I waited. I waited forever. They just stuck to area they were comfortable with, never moved out of them. I grew frustrated. Restarted. You can't get anything done if you don't face your fears, right?

   Take four. I was still scared. Still am, actually. I'm not sure what happens next. Heart was exhausted, for some reason. He didn't move at all. In take three, he ran around in his little area, but here, he just lay. He slept. That's all he ever did. Star was as energetic and adventurous as Heart in take one. I only put them a bit closer than they were in take three, but she found Heart nearly immediately. She was extremely curious about him, so she spent days poking around where his body lay. Today, she caught his attention. They spent their day together, and they got separated on the same day. I shouldn't be this discouraged. It's only my fourth take. It feels so lonely here, though. I wish I had someone with me. A Star to my Heart. Although, sometimes I get scared it might turn out like the first time they met. So I rot alone in this place. Watching. I don't even know why I'm here.

   Do I even have a purpose? Am I only messing this project up? Since the day I knew I existed, the only thing I've been doing is... This. I don't understand what's going on around me, I don't understand what's going on down there, but it feels like I'm supposed to be understanding. I don't know anymore. I never knew. Why didn't someone else get this job or fate? Maybe if I tried to end it here, someone else would get chosen. I don't know how to do that, though. Maybe I should stop worrying about this stupid project. I need to get out of here. I'll find a way.

   The only way I can go is if I jump. Maybe I'll die, maybe I won't. Either way, I'll be free. I don't care. If Heart and Star are down, then I can be down too. The only problem is I don't exactly know how to get down. Again, I'll find a way. I know I'm in the sky. Maybe if I just keep walking. Yeah, this seems to be working. Foot after foot. That simple. I'm not getting nervous. It'll all be over soon. It already feels like the clouds are thinner. And now they're gone. And I'm falling. I'M FALLING! My stomach is flipping. I can't even see the ground. I'm crying. Please be over fast. Please be over.

   I'm begging, but now I've been falling for quite a while. Did I trap myself in a loop? Of course I screwed myself further. Suddenly I can recognize something similar to the ground, but before I can even make out color, I feel a bang against my head, travelling throughout my entire body. I can't think. Everything hurts. I don't even know where I am.

   Am I dead yet?