starfall

The Dream

    Everything hurts. Especially my face. I hope I'm dead. Even then, being dead hurts. I hate hurting. Maybe I don't want to be dead.

    The world around me is starting to grow less foggy, and my pain is growing worse. I try to get myself back up to my feet, but my legs are weak. It feels like there's a gaping hole in my face. I can hardly even breathe. Does this mean I'm dead? Do I have to jump again?

   It's all so confusing. I don't know why everything hurts. I thought it'd just be over, since I'm up so high. I look down again, catching glimpse of Heart with a shard. A shard of... glass?! My hand traveled up my face feeling cracks and bumps. My fingers trembled as I sat there in shock. I didn't even know I was made of glass. Now I'm ruined. I made myself worse. Not like I was much to begin with, though. I feel so frustrated. I can't do anything to control this mess of a world, or even myself. Nothing ever comes out the way it needs to. How is Heart so content after losing Star? Why can't I feel the same way? I don't get it.

   I look down and see Heart playing with the glass. I wonder what goes through his head everyday. There seems to be nothing to do down there. Yet he's so optimistic. What does he look forward to? Is Star nearby? Does he know where she is?

   Taking a glance over my view of their home, I notice she is fairly close, and moving towards Heart's location. Interesting enough though, she seems uncertain and scared. Now I'm riddled with confusion. What's the point of Heart being so happy if Star doesn't even know where he is? I sit back and sigh, frustration banging in the inside of my head. I want to be happy too! Why am I stuck up here with nobody? Nothing? Is there someone here? Do you hear me?

    Do you see what I'm thinking?

    Are you watching me right now?

    ...

   "Anyone?" I ask, my voice entering my ears for the first time ever, without a trembled cry or a horrid scream. I couldn't help but let out a soft chuckle. My voice sounds... pretty. I continued to babble my own words to myself softly, a false sense of friendship washing over me. Suddenly, my mind drifted from the project and onto myself like a spotlight.

    A dream.

    I know it's a dream because in all my dreams, I am my subjects. Today I'm Star, who is right beside Heart, settled upon a hill blessed with dandelions. A thought ate away at my mind as my body rested against his. I wondered why he hated the water so much. I looked at him with curious eyes, and he looked back at me. It was almost like he could read my mind, because he answered as soon as we met eyes.

    "Water is unexpected," he said. His soft voice comforted me a little. "Land, not so much. Water is always changing, yet land is stationary. The sea is terrifying, though beautiful I will admit. This is a sea of land. Still beautiful. Not dangerous."

    "The water is welcoming and careful," I heard myself say, though it was Star's voice. "You just have to get to know her."

    "Anyone can betray you if you're not careful enough."

    I can't argue against that. We continued to sit together in silence. 

    Suddenly I was Heart, sitting across Star. Between us was a bonfire, its flames reaching for the sky desperately. There was a mutual feeling of resentment between us, and it seeped into the silence that filled the air. The crackling of firewood was the only thing that interrupted it. My fist grasped a rock, pure rage behind all my intentions. I couldn't even think. I thought I was going to throw it at her, but my grip loosened and tears fell from my eyes. Star hurriedly rushed towards me, the hostility washing away. Something about this feels familiar to me. She laid a gentle hand on me, yet for some reason I felt disgusted. I remember what happens now. I remember it. In my mind, I shook and trembled, but on the outside, it had no effect. This dream is a retelling of the past. Of the second take. I wanted to warn her. I wanted to scream, to act out, to do anything. I couldn't. I felt my hand grip the rock I dropped. She didn't even notice. God, I wanted to cry so bad. My arm swung, the rock crashing into her head. All of sudden, I felt tears rush out of my eyes. I don't remember this happening. She was screaming in pain on the floor, and all I could do was watch, trembling and sobbing. I kept saying I'm sorry. She kept crying in agony. I wanted to throw up. I looked away, tears still blurring my vision and confusion fogging my mind. For some reason, I forced myself to look back, and she stared right back at me. Her face was broken, and her expression showed immense betrayal and despair. Her screams were stopped as soon as we locked our gazes.

    "You did this to me," she whispered.

    "NO! I DIDN'T MEAN TO! I PROMISE!"

    "You... made us... You made him do that to me..."

    "I SWEAR I DIDN'T! I DIDN'T, I DIDN'T!"

    "You watch me every day despite the fear you see me in," Star mewled. "I've seen you. You could've restarted it earlier than this. Am I going to die?"

     "How do you-"

     "Answer me," she said, her voice pathetic yet determined. "Am I going to die right now?"

     I felt silenced with shame. I slowly shook my head. I saw a flicker of hope in her eyes. Her voice, still hoarse and weak, now had faith in it.

     "You rebooted me?! This is it? You should've done it earlier, but-"

     I shook my head again. She was immediately silenced, and her hope and faith had vanished.

     "He tried to kill you," I said.

     That same emptiness in her eyes from the take was here now.

     "I watched him try to kill you."

     The strength in her legs collapsed along with her, and she sat motionless, genuine hopelessness in her posture.

     "I'm sorry, Star."

     The bonfire crackled to disrupt the silence, which was filled with resentment once again.