How can you let go when I still love you?

Part 5

I thought I could be normal around him.

I had managed to go several months almost entirely without messaging him (first).

But as I sat directly in front of him, I felt my heart suddenly starting to race, completely involuntarily.

This always happened at first whenever I met with him.

I finished my second game of solitaire and sat for another few minutes before I got up and quickly said, "I'm gonna go to the bathroom," as I passed by him.

"Okay," he said, eyes still trained on his assignment.

By the time I got back, the other friends we were meeting up with had arrived. He was talking to one of our friends he was more familiar with.

I took the seat beside him, since my previous seat had been taken.

At this point, the usual initial awkwardness between us was already melting away. We fell into usual old patterns of interaction. Some old jokes resurfaced and I found myself acting like how I always used to around him. It was strange. I thought I had changed after all this time apart, but I still behaved the same way when I was around him.

At the same time, I could also tell he was mainly there to just eat. Not that I had a problem with that. The occasional silence as he ate was noticeable, but not abnormal.

The night ended in a completely normal way as we all said our goodbyes.

"See you on the flip side," he had said as he left.

"See ya," I replied before going my own way.

The most surprising but best thing about it all was that I was rerunning every single interaction between us through my head in the days following our meet up, as I used to always do.

Maybe all that time with minimal interaction did me some good after all.

These days, it was seldom that I longed for him at all, though it didn't stop me from wanting to have a special connection with someone. Perhaps I had finally woken up to the reality that I wouldn't find what I was looking for with him.

The interaction I'd had with him showed me that we could be normal friends, without me experiencing strong feelings of liking him.

Did I still love him? Perhaps, but not in the way I did before. Could I let go? I hoped so. I didn't see any benefit in still holding on, considering all the pain and anguish it caused me. If I could've let go sooner, I would have.

It felt so impossible before, but now, I think I could.

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...

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To the person who I thought I'd never get over, to the hyper-idealized version of him living in my brain, to the person who I seriously considered forming a marriage pact with...

I'm letting you go now.