The real me

The past 9 months

In the past year i have moved. I was the new girl again and it wasn't fun but i have my own lil friend circle now and things are good.

In late september and early october i started dating my crush. His name is gage. I really liked him. I was nervous around him and shy and could hardly get 2 words out around him. I never did get fully comfortable in that relationship.

Gage dates around and i knew this going in but i was hoping maybe id be the one who stopped that but i had read one too many romance books for my own good.

The thing is he is popular and im not. I thought i was so lucky to be with him but also so scared because he could be with anyone he wanted cuz he had girls breaking down his door.

We went to the homecoming football game together and it was a good night. It was my first kiss. We only went out one more time to see the maze runner.

We had the theatre all to ourselves and it was great. I enjoyed being with him. I fell hard for him too but it was a horrible mistake too. I cared so much about him and i thought he felt the same about me but i guess i was wrong. He dropped me like i was nothing and it shattered me. I couldn't even look at him without hurting.

The next 2 months were pure hell. I was in a deep state of loneliness. I walked around school a depressed, lonely zombie. I always had my headphones on blocking out the world around me. If i ever seemed happy it was forced and fake. I didn't feel anything but pain.

I don't know how i did it but i eventually got over him. I was in a better place. I wasn't a zombie everyday but i wasn't happy either. I went numb. I didn't feel anything. I dated a few guys in the next 3 months but after awhile i just was numb with them.

In january i did meet a friend that would change that though but I'm not to that point in my story quite yet.

In january i started to get an i don't give a fuck kind of attitude. I was a bitch to everyone. I was so sick of being stepped on that i just cracked. I basically lost all my friends. They hated me. I got into verbal fights with two girls who absolutely hate me now and i return the feeling. They hit me where it hurt every time.

Then after about a month of being alone and cruel i changed my ways and went back to the girl everyone used to know.

In February i had my first panic attack and it was scary as hell. It became normal for me to get anxiety attacks and have anxiety problems. The next few months went by in a blur.

In april i got the shock of a lifetime.
Gage came back around saying he missed me. I should have know better but i was naive cuz all my feelings came back. I dated him once again but when he left because he couldn't deal with my anxiety it didn't hurt as badly because i protected myself. I didn't trust him completely. I knew it would be my downfall.

About a month later, in may, that friend i had made in january became more.

His name is Kyle and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I had gone back to being numb after gage came and went but he changed that and made me feel again.

Kyle and i were talking on Facebook until i gave him my number. When i did, we started talking daily. It was weird not to talk to him.

After awhile of getting so close with him, i noticed that i got so happy talking to him and butterflies in my stomach. I eventually ended up telling him reluctantly. He didn't really say anything about it so it didn't kill my hopes of being with him but it also didn't raise them sky high.

A few days later when i was in the car with my bestie on the way to drop me off i decided to ask him out. When i did, i was feeling a lil depressed and had a gut feeling that his answer would be no so i really didn't wanna open his reply.

To my surprise, he had said yes. I started freaking out and my bestie joc thought it was hilarious and congratulated me.

We are such an awkward couple. We would hardly talk to each other. My friends would try and drag us together in the morning. They also shoved us together and yelled get some a few times as well.

Ever since summer break started, we have been talking on the phone and getting less awkward. Its been great and we are gonna Skype when we first wake up sometime soon as well (his idea).

We are so happy together and its the most I've felt since gage. Ive fallen hard for him too but the difference is he is not like gage. When he says, i love u he means it. He accepts my anxiety and all my other flaws. He is more than i could ever ask for and I'm so proud to call him mine.

I feel bad though. I am emotionally fucked up and he has to deal with it. Theres certain things i wish he knew but its hard to explain cuz some of these things i don't even understand.

This chapter is for him because there is one thing that I've finally pieced together how to explain.

Im emotionally broken and i know you know that but its because of gage. I love you more than i ever did gage but he was my 1st real love and he dropped me like i was nothing. He destroyed me. I know your nothing like him. You understand me more than he ever did and you accept all my flaws. Im just afraid for the same thing to happen. I have really tried to open up easier and not be so afraid but after being completely shattered by love it becomes harder to trust anyone. Im scared to lose u. I don't wanna lose u. U make me so happy and i cant believe I'm lucky enough to have u. I love u so much and I'm so glad we met. Thank u for loving me thro all my flaws and emotional problems. I know u don't always understand or know how to help but i appreciate that u try. Ur an amazing bf and i don't have any idea what id do without u. And always remember that i will walk 500 miles and i will walk 500 more just to be the girl that walked a thousand miles just to fall down at your door. I love you.