after you let her go ● conrad fisher

chapter one

I go back to that moment all the time. In the middle of the night in that crappy motel, when I told Belly the truth, that I still want her. The truth is, I'll always want her. And I don't know if I could ever truly get over her, no matter how hard I try. When a wave meets the shore, there's no way that it won't touch every single spot on that shoreline. It completely covers it and soaks into the sand. When the tide pulls the wave back in, you wonder if it'll ever come back. But you don't question if the sand will become dry again. Because once it's touched by the water, it will forever be soaked. Not even the sun can take the water out of the sand because it'll come back. The wave will come back and will keep coming back. Whether it's a memory or just a piece of wood that reminds you of the night you shared by the fireplace. The wave keeps coming back. The shoreline, forever soaked. I will be forever soaked by Isabel Conklin. If that makes any sense. I go back to that moment and the morning after. The way I took it back. I had to. I just had to. I don't know what's wrong with me. But I wouldn't be able to take it. If I hurt her again. Jeremiah wouldn't hurt her. He won't ever hurt her. I trust myself with that. Despite what I said in the car, of all the girls and guys he hooks up with. What makes Belly any different? I was scared that Jeremiah would hurt her. But it wasn't him. I was the fuckup. I was the guy who screwed everything up. It hurt like hell when I gave her up. But she'll be ok. She'll be happy without me. Happy with Jeremiah. He's my brother, and I promised. I promised I'll take care of him.

●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●
                     FLASHBACK
"Connie," I heard my mom call from her hospice.
I couldn't stand to look at her. Every time I did, I would just be reminded that nothing could change what's happening. And it's not on me, and it's not on Jere, and it's not on nothing besides the way things are. I hate the way things are. They say everything happens for a reason. But I think that's bullshit. What's this supposed to teach me. If this wasn't happening, then my mom would be in the living room right now, dancing with Jere. I would be sitting on the couch strumming my guitar, and they would be urging me to join in. At first, I wouldn't, then after a few more nudges from Jeremiah and smiles from Sussannah, I would finally join them. And we would be twirling and singing the lyrics to Madonna on one of Sussannah's CDs. But that's not what's happening. Everything shit is what's happening.
"Yeah?" I answered, staring at the floor.

"Will you bring me some tea?

I said, "Yeah, of course, mom."

I walked over to the kitchen in three strides, ready to get this over with. I boiled the water and stirred the tea bag, and walking over to the hospice, I accidently looked at her. She looked awful. She had on a nose cannula and dark, dark circles under her eyes. Her wrinkles were stretched out and struggled when she took the tea out of my hands. She was dying by the second. I felt a lump in my throat start to form. I smiled weakly. "Enjoy, mom." I said softly, trying to be strong for her. As I began to turn away, she took my arm and said, "Connie, wait." I turned around. "Sit down." She said, smiling weakly. I sat down. She took my hand and noticed I was starting to look away. She reached to touch my face and started to try to get me to look at her. I finally let her turn my face towards her. And all of a sudden, the pain was new. I tried hard to prevent my crying, but it got harder as Sussannah gave me me one of those smiles that said, "I'm still here, at least for now."
I started to cry, and it now became impossible to keep it in. "Come here," she said. I lay down with her and continue to cry softy.
"It's ok, Connie, its ok."
"Why?" I mumbled softy.
"It'll be ok, you and Jere, you have each other. Just promise me that no matter what happens, you'll always put each other first."
I nodded. "Ok."
"I know what happened with Belly. But at the end of the day, you boys are all you have." She started to cry a little too.
"You're his older brother."
"I love you, mom."
"I love you too."
I stayed for a little while longer, feeling like a little kid again.

As I began to walk away, she said
"Take care of him, Connie."
●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●●

So I kept my word, I took care of him. Even if it means giving up the only love I ever had. I'm not breaking my promise.