after you let her go ● conrad fisher

chapter three

It might be best for me to go to Standford. Steven wants me to go. My mom wanted me to go. And of course, it would be nice to be away from them, far away from them, so that maybe the pain will numb, and they'll be even farther away me, happy as daises. I can't be too close to her, can't be near her, cause being next to her.. It just opens up a wound I thought I had closed. But the wound will never close. It will always be there, I know that now. I suddenly feel this crazy pain in my chest. I claw my heart. Not being able to feel her her touch, breathe in her embrace, run my fingers through her hair, take in her smile.. oh, her smile. It's like a little kid's. Her whole face just lights up, her teeth shine bright, and the corners of her lips reach up so high, and she looks at you with twinkles in her eyes, and I'd like at her like she was the only girl in the world. Cause when I'm with her, we're the only ones on earth. All I see is her.

Maybe I shouldn't go to Stanford, actually. Maybe I should stay home, I don't want her to go away so soon, I still wanna feel her presence even though I can't. I'll take all I can get. And being home, in that summer house, I'll have Sussannah look after me, take care of me, so that I'm not alone. If that's even possible, if she is anywhere. But I'll feed into any delusion as long as it keeps me sane.

I just finished painting the house and putting all the furniture back in its place, including Junior Mint and the glass unicorn.
Junior Mint.
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                    FLASHBACK
She would always come to the boardwalk just to stare at those polar bears, and when she had to leave, I saw the disappointment on her face that she couldn't bring one home. That ring toss was rigged. But that was the day I was gonna get her one. I was gonna win her it. As I took Belly to the boardwalk, I bought her a candy apple. I was a bit in a rush to get to the ringtoss. I couldn't wait to see the look on her face when I won her that polar bear. As we arrived at the ring toss, I saw a girl that I saw the day before at a gas station. Let me tell you, I had a bit of a crush on this girl. I was a bit nervous seeing her there. Belly seemed sad all of a sudden, and the expression on her face dropped when I complimented the girls shorts out of utter nervousness. They were really short, you could see her whole leg. She said she was gonna go by the ferris wheel, I think, and that she'll come back. I thought to myself, 'Oh no, don't tell me she's gonna leave because of this.' I really wanted to see her face light up when I won her the bear. Now I felt like kind of a double. Does she think I came here for ring toss girl, Angie from the gas station? But whatever, she was gonna lose her marbles when she saw me with that stuffed animal in hand.
"How many rings for that bear?" I pointed to the white stuffed polar bear with sunglasses and a red and blue scarf.
"Oh, that, that's the best prize we have!" Angie said smiley brightly. "To win that you have to get 7 rings into just the red rings in a row."
I was completely bewildered. "7 rings, odd number." I chuckled nervously. "Into just the red rings? In a row?"
She nodded. "That's quite a challenge for one little bear." And these rings were small as hell, the size of my finger.
"Well, whatever it takes!" I handed her the five dollars. Minutes pass and still no Belly. Minutes pass and I still can't get the ring into the damn thing. I keep getting 3 in a row then losing it at four. Or I keep getting really close and blow it at the last ring.
"Angie, this is impossible, who ever won this before?" Genuinely, who ever won this before.
"It is possible, so don't doubt, but it has been achieved. By a single man once before."
That was incredibly cryptic. "I swear if this game is rigged,"
A couple more minutes pass, and I've spent 35 dollars trying to win this.
Angie leans on the stand with her arms stretched out on the table. "Maybe it's time to give up?"
"No, not yet." I hand her another five and slowly but surely throw the ring to that tiny pole. I close my eyes and twist my hand in all different ways, trying to figure out which way I should throw it. 'It's just angles, Conrad. You're good at this.' I think to myself. Then the other side of my brain goes, 'But the poles and rings are just so damn small!'
When I got to the last ring, Angie started drumming on the stand. I motioned my finger to my mouth, closing my eyes. And she eventually got quiet and chuckled.
The ring flew, flew, and landed in the pole! "Finally!" I threw my hands in the air and double-high five-d Angie. "It only took 40 dollars and raging frustration to finally get it right." I laughed to myself. As Angie handed me the prize, I said, "Belly's gonna love this!" And as I turned a round, a realized she was still gone.

"Where did your friend go? She hasn't come back, and it's been over an hour."

"Maybe she stopped by but just didn't wanna wait for me to win, you know?" I replied, trying to convince myself.
"Have a good one!" She called out as I walked away.

I finally found Belly, in the middle of the boardwalk, still eating the candy apple.
Had I ruined this? Did she think I came here with her to talk to Angie?
"How come you never came back.."
"The uh- line for the ferris wheel was- really long." I'd made her sad.
"Angie said this was the best prize they got." I said, revealing the stuffed bear.
"I'd rather have had the giraffe, but thanks."
She started to walk ahead of me.
Though she said she'd prefer the giraffe, I knew it wasn't true. She spent all her time staring at the polar bears, and after she got it, she carried it everywhere. She named it Junior Mint.
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And here he still is, sitting on her bedroom dresser, waiting for her to come back home. I stand in Belly's room and tap Junior Mint's nose with my finger as I begin to walk away.