"You're having dreams again?" My therapist, Dr. Bailey, summarizes what I've been trying to say for the past twenty minutes.
"Yeah." I run my hands over my face and lean back against the couch cushion.
"Have you told your wife?" She asks dubiously, and I shoot her a look. We both know the answer to that.
"Violet is sixteen weeks pregnant with twins. She's already losing her god damn mind half the time." I shake my head and lean forward to rest my elbows on my knees. "After what happened the first time she was pregnant...I just- I-"
"You don't want to add to her stress." She finishes my sentence for me and I nod my head yes.
"She hates when I say that." I exhale a humorless laugh, "I know that we're partners, and shouldn't keep things from each other, but she's quite literally carrying the weight of it all. I don't need to pile more on top of her. She doesn't need to worry about me."
"She knows something is wrong, doesn't she?" Dr. Bailey asks knowingly and I sigh heavily.
"She always knows."
"Then why not just tell her?"
"She has dreams about holding green eyed, dimpled cheeked babies that look like me. They're happy." I try to explain, but even as I'm talking I know she's right.
"I don't want my fear filled subconscious to taint hers. She deserves the rainbows and butterflies after everything she's been through."
"Everything you've both been through." She corrects me and I nod my head once. "What are your dreams about, Harry?"
"I lose them." I blurt out before I can talk myself out of it, and immediately lose my breath. I bring my hand to my chest and close my eyes as I inhale slowly, attempting to ground myself.
"I lose all three of them."
"Would you say that's your biggest fear at this moment in your life?"
"It consumes me." I admit softly and drop my shoulders. "The only time it doesn't absolutely eat me alive is when I know she's safe in my arms."
"What's your anxiety level right now, on a scale from one to ten, being across town from her?" Dr. B is watching me carefully, probably trying to anticipate a full blown anxiety attack. It's only happened once in an appointment, and fuck was it embarrassing.
"Eight." I say after thinking for a second. "Only because I know that she's with Cam and Phoebe. Otherwise, I'd be an eleven."
"You need to tell her, Harry." She says firmly and I nod my head. "You said that when you told her about the dreams of the attack, it alleviated some of the pressure. You need to lean on her a little. She'd rather hear it from you, than wake up in the middle of the night and find you curled in a ball on the floor."
Guilt blooms in my chest and I know she's exactly right.
"That is what she does not need."
"Does this ever get easier?" I ask, exhaling an exhausted breath, "Am I going to be like this for the rest of my life?"
"You've been through a tremendous amount of trauma in your young life, Harry." She says with a sympathetic smile, placing her pen in her notebook to close it. "You've been doing the work, making leaps and bounds these last few years, and I'm very proud of how far you've come."
"In other words, I'm fucked, huh?" I smirk when she cracks a smile despite herself.
"Not with a woman like Violet, you're not." She says, making me smile back. "Be proud of yourself, Harry."
"Yes ma'am." I nod my head and rise to my feet, ready to get out of here and go home to my beautiful wife.
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YOU ARE READING
Right From The Start -H.S. AU
FanfictionBOOK 3 OF 3 Final installment of Harry and Violet's story. - Excerpt from Even If It Hurts (Book 2): "Violet," his voice shakes when he says my name and he takes a breath to steady himself, "Violet, I have loved you every second of every day since t...
