Right From The Start -H.S. AU

4

Harry and I decided that we don't want to find out the genders of the twins until they're born. It was really hard not to look at the screen at my twenty week appointment though. At one point, I used my hand to cover Harry's eyes so he couldn't peek. I don't think he would on purpose, he's just so excited.

I feel fucking huge, although the twins are measuring exactly where they should be. I've gained a little over twenty pounds and absolutely none of my clothes fit me anymore. Sometimes I'll catch Harry watching me walk -well, waddle- with a smile on his face before he quickly turns around, like I didn't just catch him staring at me.

I'm slowly becoming less and less able to spend my normal hours in the office. Last week, when Phoebe found me asleep in my chair with my feet propped on the desk, she forced me to at least split my time between the office and working from home. I tried to argue, but she brought reinforcements. A.k.a., my stubborn ass husband that already wanted me to take it easy. I was out numbered, and honestly, too tired to really put up much of a fight.

He was finally able to convince me when he said I could use the time at home to finish the designs on the nursery. We had the walls painted a Sage green color, and the bookshelves stained darker -after Harry stopped me from ripping them down- but, that's as far as we've gotten.

Right now, I'm standing in the empty nursery with my hands on my hips, thinking. I'm wearing a pair of Harry's sweatpants and a T-shirt that's two sizes too small that rides up on my protruding belly. I love these babies, but I cannot wait to have them out of me. January can't come soon enough.

I'm at a loss for what to do, since Harry hid all of the tools from me. He doesn't want me doing too much work by myself, and he knows I will, regardless of what I say. He lured me home with the promise of finishing this room, and then took any means for me to actually do it. Fucker.

I spot a box set in the corner of the room and sigh before walking over to it. I carefully lower myself to sit on the floor in front of it and pry the top open. Caspian and Sophie brought this with them the last time they came to visit. They said it was some old books and toys that Ryan decided he wanted to give to his baby cousins. My heart swelled at the thought of that sweet little boy going through his own belongings to pick things out for my babies.

I pull it open and my heart drops when I see a picture frame right on top. My eyes well with tears and I reach inside to pick it up. I run my finger over my dad's smiling, twenty-something year old face. We're in a hospital and he's holding a two year old Cas in one arm and me wrapped in a blanket in the other. My mom is at his side, still in the hospital bed, and she's looking at the three of us with an emotion that can only be described as love. Pure, unadulterated love.

I can't remember the last time my mother looked at any of us like that. Despite the tears in my eyes, it brings me joy to know that at least at one point in time, she was happy to have us. All of us.

I slowly stand again, bracing myself on the wall for support, and walk over to the empty bookshelf. I set the picture of my first day on earth in one of the empty slots and step back to look at it. I tenderly place one of my hands on top of my belly and try to fight off the tears threatening to spill down my face.

"I've never seen that before." I hear Harry say softly from the doorway behind me. He doesn't startle me, I felt him as soon as he came in the house.

"Neither have I." I say with a sad smile as he steps into the room with me. He slides his hand over my shoulder and immediately turns me toward him. As soon as his arms are around me, I bury my face in his chest and a sob escapes me.

"I'm sorry, honey." He says gruffly, resting his chin on the top of my head as he holds me.

"I just don't understand, Harry." I say through broken breaths as I hold him back around his waist.
"I think about my mother, and I see that picture of her looking so happy the day I was born and I just don't understand. I would never do to our kids what she did to me. Never."