Goodbyes for Never

1

I thought I'd have everything under control in my late twenties.

At least at the professional level, I may have some semblance of control. After all, I was named as New York's best young Architect by The New York Times last week. Honestly, if you saw the picture they'd published in the news, you would see a poised woman who looked like she could lead the patriarchal system while manifesting that graceful feminity.

Okay, maybe only I would describe myself that way.

But to be honest I looked good and most importantly, like I had everything under control.

And right now, I don't think that's what anyone would think if they saw me crouching under my desk, with a hand over my mouth and eyes squinting to see through a minuscule linear opening between the panels of my wooden desk. Just so you know, this company belongs to me and so does this office.

"Ms.Kane, I thought you mentioned Ms.Carter was in her office?", Morrisons voice boomed. I pity anyone who's standing within a five-metre radius of him. RIP eardrums.

I'm so sorry Lucy, I'll make it up to you!

Lucy's confused and mildly tensed eyes ran around the room. I could practically hear the gears turning in her head. There was no way she wouldn't notice if I left the room. And I haven't left my office for the past two hours. Her being the admin head of my firm, had a glass cabin opposite mine and unlike mine the blinds weren't drawn.

"Please head this way, Sir. I'll take you to the conference room. She'll be there shortly."

"I hope Ms.Carter is not suddenly busy like the previous two times, coincidentally when I decide to hold a meeting with her."

"I assure you it is nothing like that, Sir. There were some emergencies which specifically required Ms.Carter's attention. It is just unfortunate that they happened to fall on those days."

"Ms.Kane, unless you want me to add to her long list of emergencies, you better ask Ms. Carter to show up."

"I will escort you to the meeting room, Mr. Morrison. Ms.Carter is on her way."

"Your telepathy abilities seem remarkable, Ms.Kane."

"Nothing of that sort, Sir. I will get your tea ready."

Their voices receded down the corridor and I sagged onto the edge of my rolling chair, causing it to move backwards and take me with it. I remained in the same position for a few minutes, contemplating life in general.

Why do I always run? I preferred a fight instinct over a flight instinct. Sadly, it is unbelievably difficult to change once you have your instinct. You may want to fight. But you end up choosing flight for the split second before you stop and realise that you chose the wrong action. But in that split second, everything is too late. That's the funny thing about instincts, once you start with one, you cannot change in between. It's a permanent decision with lasting consequences. You can't run and then decide you want to fight. The enemy will be ready for ambush before you can even turn around. Similarly, you can't freeze and then start running or fighting. Everything changes in a matter of seconds.

Why exactly am I getting on the philosophical train of thought, now of all times?

"What the hell are you doing down there?! Should I book an appointment with that shrink? I said it as a joke! I didn't realise you were in dire need of it!!"

"Okay, calm down Lucy. Take deep breaths", I say, calmly as I try to get up, as gracefully as possible (which wasn't graceful enough from the look Lucy was throwing my way) from my position on the floor.