The Dark One

TWENTY ONE: JADE

We got back to Aretuza, as the mages and I walked down to the bottom of Aretuza and buried the novices before carving symbols on the top of the mounds of earth.
I stood outside Tissaia's office, listening to Yennefer and Tissaia. "Tissaia. Tissaia, look at me."
"I just got word. Redania and Kaedwen lost another battle." Tissaia stated, not doing as Yennefer asked.
"Since when have you cared about movement of troops?"
"Since I became responsible for the death of each and every soldier."
"This war was inevitable." Yennefer stated.
Tissaia's head snapped up. "Was it?"
"You could've handed Ciri's head over to the kings on a platter to win support. But you didn't."
"No. No, I could never have done that. Your pain is my pain."
"My pain is your pain. They make us sacrifice so much. The cost of learning magic. When I came to Aretuza, if a sorceress fell pregnant, she was kicked out. "Divided loyalties," said the men. So I made them take us seriously. The enchantment was never about clearer access to Chaos. It was about getting a seat at the table. And the Brotherhood, they called me bold. I was just desperate. The first of many mistakes."
"Stop it."
"Look around, it's all gone."
"Forget this, go to Brokilon. Salvage what you can with the Witcher." Tissaia requested as Yennefer sighed softly.
"Geralt's getting help. My focus is here, on Ciri. If I go to him without her, I've failed."
"There are worse failures."
"Spare me the self-loathing bullshit. This feeling sorry for yourself, and letting Vilgefortz make you question who you are. This isn't you! I know you. At your core. Everything I've done, everything that's been done to me, I've survived because of your faith. You are the strongest force I've ever known." Yennefer let out a quiet sob as she swallowed and continued, "Remember your strength. You are Tissaia de Vries, you are our mother, and we need you. I need you." Yennefer lectured, tears welling in her eyes as she leant across the table at her mentor.
Triss walked up the stairs and paused opposite me, she knocked on the door and opened it; "The service for the novices. It's time."
"Go. I'll collect myself and come along. Thank you." Yennefer nodded politely and turned away from Tissaia.

I pushed the door open to find Tissaia sat at her desk, writing and smoking her pipe. "I thought you were helping them with the service."
"I would be but, I didn't know them. I would have nothing to say." I replied,
"I have to write a letter to Yennefer, stay while I do so?"
"I'll read mine."
"Alright. Who's is yours to?"
"You." I replied, moving to the bed and drawing out a sheet of paper as Tissaia lowered her head and began to write.
"What dreams I had of my mate, of another being looking into these eyes and being content even when they turn. But how can that happen? For the monster is not in my eyes, but in my soul. I once thought that if I was like other men I would be happy, and loved. The malignance has grown you see, from the outside in, and this shattered visage merely reflects the abomination that is my heart. My powers have corrupted me, the once pure child I should have been has grown instead to be that of darkness and death. Those that have survived or those who died at my hands saw not a human killing them, but a monster. I am no human, but being around you I noticed how you see not the creature I've become but the person I should and would very much like to be. I thank you for the time and patience you've given me to become a better person, yet I think not even a millennia could erase all that I've done from my mind. During the four years apart, I heard and saw things and then revealed the Thanedd Coup in the making but chose to say nothing of it; I feel guilty for not telling you and allowing you to feel the betrayal of Vilgefortz. I have done things I shouldn't have and I am sorry for not telling you that. I should love to see you when I wake up but I know that I will not, and I am fine with that, but I can't do so without telling you I love you."
"Jade. When did you write that?"
"It was one of my unsent letters to you, when I was staying with the Witchers." 
Tissaia sat at her desk reading over her letter that she had written, "One of the first things we learn about Chaos... is that it always has consequences. There is a cost to this magic. And eventually, we all must pay. It is not a gift. It is a trade. And often, that trade leads us to dark places. But there are always bright spots. Teaching you has been the biggest bright spot of my life. And I would love to see you through the next leg of your journey. I know you will do great things, my daughter. But I'm afraid I cannot. There is a cost I must pay. Sometimes a flower... is just a flower. And the best thing it can do for us is die." I hummed as she finished reading and folded the paper over, sealing it shut. I watched as she lit her pipe and pulled the largest pin from her hair, letting it fall gracefully down her back before she swept it over it there shoulder. "I think something's going on in the corridor, could you check?"
"Mmm." I got up and walked to the door, opened it, and stepped out before the door slammed and locked. "Tissaia! Open the door. Please," the last word handle audible as there was a crash and the door unlocked.

Tissaia was on the floor, blood pooling from her wrists; her eyes were barely open as she looked at me with pity and sadness. "No. Jesus, Tissaia, why?! Why?!" I cried as I lifted her from the floor and cradled her as she looked up at me, smiling softly.
"You're so beautiful."
"No. I think there's a mirror in front of you." I whispered, running my hand over her silvery hair.
"Kiss me. Please." I gently placed a kiss on her lips and then pulled away from Tissaia's lifeless lips.
"No... No! No! No!" I screamed. I cried. I sobbed. I wailed. The sound of footsteps thudding on the floor drew my attention as they stopped in the doorway. I looked across Tissaia's lifeless form at the door as Yennefer saw me holding the lifeless body of Tissaia; slits running down her wrists. "She asked me to check something in the corridor and when I came back..."
"Save it."
"I couldn't do anything. She locked me out."
"Can't you save her?!"
"No. Even I can't defy death."
"Stay here. I'll be back in a minute." Yennefer stated as she got up and walked from the room.
I folded myself over my dead wife. The only sound was my anguished sobs. I waited until the footfalls of Yennefer had faded before picking up the same tool Tissaia had used and shifted so I was holding her, with her head on my lap. I closed my eyes and whispered goodbye to Yennefer before sliding the blade across my throat, the blood ran down over my dress's neckline and doused Tissaia in it as well.
I leaned forward, dying. The last things I saw were the rough brick floor, a dark pool of blood that slowly began to spread, and the face of my wife. "I... love... you." I whispered, using my last breath to say something I should have said before.