August 20th, 2023
To avoid hiding details out of shame, which would be counterproductive to the reason I'm writing to begin with, here are some basics about me: I'm 25 already, I'm single as of recently, and I undeniably need therapy.
I have ADHD and I'm an Aquarius, which is basically a power combo for overthinking and hyperfixation. I'm sensitive, I feel deeply, and I talk a lot until I don't talk at all. I do not shy away from my emotions, I am extremely emotionally available, which is both a strength and a weakness that can overwhelm the people around me. I process my pain upfront, which you think would shorten the process but no, I have a hard time getting over things or people that I feel connected to.
My overthinking leads me to be considerate to the point of self-inflicted burnout, especially when that consideration is not returned, at which point I become blunt and brutally honest. I'm working on that part, but I also don't think it's healthy to sugar-coat everything so that it goes down easier; that's how you spiral into a constant state of people pleasing to avoid negative responses. Negative responses then become a point of anxiety and trauma, and the result of that is becoming someone you're not. Ultimately, your frustration builds up until you resent everyone for expecting you to be happy and sweet all the time, when that is very much not the human experience. If you are naturally happy and sweet all the time, I'm astounded by your ability to not let things bother you...or I think you should speak to a therapist about the inner turmoil you've become so good at hiding.
There will be a lot of tangents on this journey.
I'll give you some background on me before jumping into the heavy stuff. This is essentially my solution to not being in therapy, and I have zero expectations for anyone to read this. My hope is that somehow, writing my issues and my thoughts down and putting it out into the world will relieve some of the weight I carry. Once it exists outside my being, I may no longer have to hold onto all of it at once, like organizing and transferring the memories and emotions onto an external drive.
The filters are disabled. This is for me.
Background, lets go:
I'm an artist, always have been. I've been drawing and painting since before I could write proper sentences, so picking out birthday and Xmas gifts for me was pretty easy for my family. I was born with singing and songwriting ingrained in my soul, and fated to become a theatre kid. I majored in the arts during high school, and drama class was probably the best part of the day, with improv club after school. I loved art but not the limitations within the classroom; I would challenge my art teacher on why things had to be done a certain way, because art is subjective and shouldn't be graded.
Almost everyone in my high school Arts program were involved in Drama Fest, the greatest performing arts event in the region. Every secondary school's drama club spent countless rehearsals preparing their plays. That program even brought us on free field trips to Toronto for theatric workshops, backstage tours and shows. I took acting pretty serious, I actually thought I would go into post-secondary for acting. I performed in so many musicals and even won an acting award in Drama Fest. In my last year of high school, I ended up writing and directing my own play, which I can tell you about another time. In University, I continued to perform Shakespearian plays, and even danced the opener of Rocky Horror Picture Show in a shadowcast. Let me tell you, not much holds a candle to a cast party, those were wild. Spin-the-bottle was basically just a kissing competition, and queer energy was in abundance. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it.
In terms of music, I have several notebooks and old phones filled with my songwriting and recordings. I was in the school choir through elementary and high school, and joined an A Capella group in Uni, which was more fun than it might sound to the average person because it was entirely student-run. I performed covers in talent shows, galas, coffee houses and open mics. My original music was very amateur in my younger years, as to be expected I guess, but I feel like I really started to become invested during my upper years of University. I would sit at my college piano and make up melodies and lyrics to describe my emotions and the conflicts of my relationships, of which I had many.
I became more serious about singing and songwriting during the end of my undergrad, knee-deep in covid, writing on instrumentals from my partner at the time. We started some decent songs, I think there was a lot of potential there with our talent combined, but in the end he was too consumed by his own projects and we were often not on the same wavelength...it didn't end up working out. Before we broke up, it became apparent to me that I needed to pursue my music through a different channel, and started collaborating with a producer I met from a small network of local artists. I can thank that partner for introducing me to this group of people, but it was by my own ambition that I initiated a collab. I was very inspired by this producer's style and skill; it was easy to connect to his unique music on an emotional level, and it awakened my interest in a merging between singing and rapping.
At this point in time, I've bought the exclusive licence to five of Kai's tracks, we've finished recording the very first one I've titled 'Trains of Thought', and I've been planning a seven-song EP tentatively called 'Can You Understand Me'. I'm excited to see how the master turns out for this single, and I've already written most of the lyrics for my second song.
Still with me? This feels like the longest one-sided introduction ever.
I'm also a committed softball player, since I was five. I played Varsity in high school for the Eastview Wildcats, and I've been playing in the adult rec. league ever since. My best positions are outfield and shortstop. By outfield I mean all of it, I just want to be where all the heavy hitters are putting it. I like when the other team picks on me when they think I'm a weak link, because I'm one of the best trackers and I don't give up easily. Aside from that, I'm a strong outfielder because of my arm, which always surprises people, but I haven't been playing all my life for nothing. Shortstop, well, the fast-paced action at this position is unparalleled. You're not fully committed to a bag and you're at the infield hotspot. It's a damn good rush when you snag a line drive and throw a runner out. My passion for softball is not easily matched, I would play every day if I could.
I like a mix of fun and competitive, and I've found myself a great team over the years. My only complaint is that it's so hard to meet people my age in baseball. I was the youngest going into it, and I am still one of the youngest. Don't get me wrong, I vibe with my team, but it would be cool to make friends I can hangout with outside of games without it being weird due to a considerable age gap. This is the first year that my team has someone my age and a young couple, who have balanced the team out so well.
On the media consumption side, I'm addicted to Anime and K-Dramas. Naruto will always be my favourite because that kid pulled me out of my teenage depression. I'm currently watching One Piece - at the same time I developed a fear of long-term relationships, I got over my fear of long-term anime - it's been four and a half months and I'm on episode #333 (< a good omen). That's pretty decent by binging standards, and I definitely understand why people are such stans of One Piece and all its characters. I mean, it would be pretty hard not to become emotionally invested during such a long journey. Anime cracks me up, makes me cry, is literally a work of art with unlimited creativity, and conveys some of the most important morals and messages that I feel western media can seriously lack. If nothing else, Anime has reinforced that your passions are worth fighting for.
I love to cosplay and I have anime figures of my favourite characters, to remind me of the motivations and strengths that I value most. They reflect the type of person that I want to be, the type of person that I need in my life.
That's a decent amount of general info about me as a person. Now that I've created this space for my head, I'll get into the specifics of my experiences and circumstances, and open the floodgates to my emotions. If you've made it this far, welcome to my story. Stick around for the next entry.
Brace yourself.
Percy
