July 18th, 2023
Healing is difficult. Healing is gruelling even.
You're in a desperate battle with yourself, with moments of rest and peace if you're lucky. Mental clarity is either scarce or in abundance but it won't make a difference to the pain.
The pain is constant, whether it's in overwhelming surges or a dull throbbing in the background that you try to pretend has no power over you. Of course it does; you can tell yourself everything is okay as many times as you want but when the moment comes, that the well has filled to the brim and begins to overflow over the surface, there is no stopping the tears then. There is nowhere else for them to go, and it hurts but it is good for you.
Experiencing this pain is the only way for you to come out on the other side a better and stronger person than you were. You cannot go back, and if you do not move on through this process then you will never become better than you were with the person who brought out the worst in you. We do this to ourselves. We hate it but we do it for our best selves to have a fresh start on a foundation that won't crumble this time. We do this so that our hearts are reinforced and we are ready for the hardship, to set boundaries and expect people and their "unconditional love" to have conditions; for the "loyal" to abandon and betray us; for the "committed" to be unreliable and give up.
The hardest part within this healing is building the willpower to be alone, to be the sole responsible soul to put yourself back together, so that the next time someone lets you down, you won't have to worry about losing the stability that someone else built. So that you can continue to stand on your own without losing a part of you that someone else provided. To know who you are, to love and own who you are entirely, is the strength worth fighting for yourself.
No matter how lonely I feel, no matter how despairingly I long for the support and love of a partner to help me and hold me up, I know that I have to do this alone or else I will not heal properly. There will be cracks and flaws in my foundation if I do not do this alone. I am so depressingly lonely, but I cannot let anyone in, because that would be the same mistake that got me to the bottom and I refuse to feel this pain again. I refuse to lose myself to someone else's unpredictable whim. I will never be that weak again. I suffer now so that I never suffer like that in my future.
Healing is the opposite of easy.
Healing is a fight for the most important thing of all - yourself.
September 20th, 2023
It shouldn't take this long to get over someone who doesn't even care about you.
November 13th
No kidding. Detaching from someone you've trauma-bonded to is no joke. Unlearning all your triggers and unhealthy coping mechanisms from a long-term toxic relationship is hard, it's so hard. It takes work, and suffering, and constant management. It's exhausting.
My last relationship was rough, to put it simply. We were together for four and a half years. I want to say it was 4.5 years too long, but I do believe everything happens for a reason and, unfortunately, I learned many many difficult lessons from that experience.
I'm sure you could tell I was knee-deep in my healing process when I wrote that monologue on July 18th, which I didn't bother to modify. I was having a breakdown in the middle of my work day, as you do when you can't control the timing of an emotional onslaught. Luckily, I work remotely from home, so no one was the wiser. I needed to get it out, so I just opened up a chat with myself and vented.
I wish I could say I've healed, but seven months isn't enough time. This recovery is something that will take years of healthy practice and self-care. Even when I know I'm doing much better than I was before, something new comes up that aids my discovery in yet another trauma response that I've internalized for too long. Trust issues? Tip of the iceberg. Crippling anxiety? We've become too close.
I put myself right in the hot seat for receiving narcissism, gas lighting, straight up hate and verbal abuse, and my greatest regret is that I wasn't strong enough to stand up and leave. For years I endured disrespect, manipulation and highly stressful expectations. My health didn't even come second, it wasn't even on the board. I loved someone who hated me, and it destroyed me.
I'll get into it another time, I'm already too tired just thinking about it.
Wish me luck on the next entry.
Percy
