Dystopia Diane (Bojack x Phan)

1: One Hollywoob Strike Later

"Hello, listener, I, as your ringtone, am going to walk you through a journey; how often a phone is dialed, how many rings before it is-"

"Great news!" rings a voice- which you really want to say is southern but you're not going to put money on it.
Today, you are Diane, and you are sitting at one of those wire tables coated with some latex paint that has test answers and penises scratched into it, because you are waiting for your stepson's college event. You have a coffee on that wire table and you're going to pretend you know football (or was it lacrosse) well enough to cheer Sonny on.
You are Diane and you're going to switch to first person.
"Uh oh." I finally realize I answered the call.
"Why "uh oh?" I said the news is great!"
"Because whenever you start a call with "Great News!" it means you've written me in to some convoluted offer that doesn't really need me there but you wrote the contract so it'd fall apart without me."
The caller laughs. "Funny you should mention it! I've been talking to a few names and we drew up a pitch that you're perfect for!"
I look up, almost in hopes someone else looks irritated so we can share a sigh of defeat. There is no one but my cell phone. I say, "what is it."
"I've got a talk show for you."
"A talk show? Princess Carolyn, do I ever even sign a contract with you or have you somehow-"
"It's a 15 minute per episode, real-world-connection blabber series for Youtube! You have a full set, different segments, pets, beverages, guests, you name it!"
"Princess Carolyn, why- why would you think I want to do that? That's the opposite of my whole thing. I write silly books and sit at a computer and make sure my son has a grasp on his essays, I'm not a Youtuber."
"Duh, yet. We'll bring filming to where you are! Plus, think about sharing a platform with so many great names! Mark's Plyers is an informed guy who rakes in tons of money building dog houses that explode after one year! Be with him!"
"I don't see how my interests and topics pair with his products- not to mention that is the most literal definition you could get for planned obsolescence so your metaphor is not meaning what you think it means!"
"Just give it a read over and call me tomorrow night with your verdict. I'm mailing you a paper copy so I can make sure you take margin notes WHEN you agree to film it!"
The phone hangs up so she can evade any immediate protest. I grab my coffee, sans table, and enter the school to get tickets for the game which I will now fixate on to avoid thinking about her.