To All the Person I cursed

" I wanna disappear "

"I don't care about myself....leave me alone , I don't want to kill you"
-Ella

For how many years am I gonna pretend I'm fine when deep inside I'm not . Everyday when I wake up I question god why am I still alive why won't they end me already.

I'm tired of this world and life , I tried harming myself and I failed successfully why it's a success , well it looks like they passed the commission of punishment to another person.

I wanna tell them I wanted to kill myself , I want to die I want to disappear. There no reason for me to lived anymore.

I wanna die...I wanna die.....I wanna die..... Nobody will believe in me .

My trust and will of my humanity is broken I don't know what I want .

They think I'm gonna go crazy but this is how I feel right now . I'm literally scared of holding anyone or even an item since anything I touch either is broken or is a crime weapon to harm others.

I'm scared , I'm scared of losing my sanity what if I stop crying and become that monster who has a blank expression and intent to harm the individual they saw.

I seek help but all I see it's useless since it's already affecting inside of me it's wanting to be released.

I hate it, I hate myself , I wanna cursed myself to die already .

"DON'T PASSED IT TO SOMEONE ELSE AGAIN GODDAMNIT ....... IM SICK OF THIS LIFE....YOU THINK IM ENJOYING IT "

all I see a few trace of positivity but the inside of me sees the negativity....maybe I should have jumped back then when I had a chance I don't mind dying right now.

If I did die then I won.....I end my self loathe .... No more burden..

I never cry on the dead cause I never felt anything at all .

Fear? No

Sadness? Maybe, but it's the part they're gone.

Guilt? Yes

If anything me not crying on a grave show I easily not show my emotion internally.

"For what reason do I cry? , This excess tears flowing down on my socket annoying"

....

I feel calm writing this after writing this ...meh I won't attempt suicide yet .

I won't go like those stereotype of humanity looking for reason why someone attempt this ...

Nobody will never understood me anyway....better die not knowing.

I won't be a revenge ghost ,if anything imma prepare to see them glad I died since no more burden to mind their life.

Sigh still I seem to cursed my relatives by accident each one and I don't know how to reverse it but seems like they endure it.

That's all