The Illusions of Change (Gustholomule)

6: Voices

817 words

!(TW: self harm, suicidal(?) thoughts)!

~Matt POV:

I hear a muffled voice. It keeps saying something... it's saying my name.

"Matt!" The voice becomes clearer and louder every time it says my name. Suddenly, the voice is clear as day and really loud. I shot up and gasped like I had been holding my breath.

Where was I? I blinked a few times trying to clear my vision. As I looked around and saw Icara, kneeling next to me, worried.

"Matt! Matt, are you okay? What happened?" She asked me, her golden eyes filled with concern.

I took a moment to take in where I was. Icara was here, still in her Hexside uniform, her curtain bangs pushed to the sides of her face, and her hair still pulled into a small ponytail, while the under part was down. We were on the sidewalk and-

Then it clicked. I remembered what happened, what Boshca said, and felt myself start to cry. No no no! Why was I crying? That was dumb! I shouldn't be crying over meaningless words! I cried anyway. No matter how much I told myself that it didn't matter, it still hurt. Boshca's words hurt more than the bruises I could feel forming along my body. Am I just a waste of space? I was always bothering Gus and his friends. They didn't really want me there. I feel a hand on my shoulder and flinch away instinctively, but then settle, and let Icara hug me.

"I'm sorry Matt," she said softly as we sat there.

I wiped away my tears repeatedly, until finally my eyes were dry. This was embarrassing. I hated crying in front of people. It was embarrassing. They always laughed at me because it made me weak. I knew Icara wouldn't do that, but I still didn't like to cry. Icara released me from the hug and sat next to me, silent for a second.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked gently.

I shook my head.

"Okay, do you want to sit here a little longer, or would you like me to walk you home?"

"I wanna go," I whisped and stood up.

Icara noded and stood too, and together we started the walk home, silence between us. After few minutes, the pain from my bruises gradually started to increase. With every step I could feel each bruise on my legs, sides, back, and the back of my head still hurt. I stopped on the sidewalk and leaned against a wall. My head hurt so bad, and I felt so dizzy. I took a few deep breaths. In, 1... 2... 3... 4... out, 1... 2... 3... 4... As I stood there, Icara waited patiently. All too soon, I forced myself off the wall and kept walking. I could see Icara giving my worried glances, but I tried to ignore it.

When we reached my house I turned to Icara.

"Thanks for- um... Thanks." I say

She smiled, "Stay safe Matt," she said and walked away.

I straightened up and put on a little smile, trying to pretend nothing was wrong, and walked in the door. It's empty inside. Mom was probably out with her friends, so I stopped pretending and walked directly to my room. I dropped my bag onto the floor, flopped onto my bed, and laid there in silence. Boshca's words rang in my ears, and I buried my face in my pillow, trying to drown them out, but they got louder. More voices joined in. People from Glandis, Bria, Boshca, people in my construction class laughing. It was too much. I felt my pillow start to get wet with tears, and I let it happen. All alone.

No one to laugh, but no one to care either. After all, who would care? I was just a problem to the people around me. I caused Gus problems, I caused Luz problems, I caused Icara problems, I caused my mom problems. The list of people went on in my brain and I couldn't stop it. The voices wouldn't stop! I smacked my head, trying to get them to stop, I punched my knee, banged my body hard against the corner of my desk. It hurt so bad, but it made the voices quieter. I hit my bruises again and again as hard as I could. Again and again and again and- stopped. The voices stopped.

I fell back onto my bed, exhausted, and stared at the ceiling. A laid there for a minute before pulling out my scroll and opening penstagram. I had two notifications: 1 missed call and 1 message from Gus_Illusion_Master. I open my messages with Gus.

<Did you get my homework?>

Crap! I forgot!

<Yah, sorry. I forgot to give it to you after school.> I reply.

I wanted to see Gus, but I was so tired, I didn't want to move. It hurt to move. I sighed and closed my eyes. I didn't mean to, but quickly fell asleep.