After the breakup their was so much racing through my mind that I had to vent somehow, so I began a journal.
26 May 2015
I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU...no I really don't. Well I do, but I don't. I just want you to go away. I want all my feeling to go away. I want all the memories to go away. I deserve better. I'll find better. I'll get better. But I can't be dwelling on the past anymore...I want to be over everything already. I'm tired of it. It's making me super depressed and I can't take it anymore.
I just couldn't understand why I was so stuck on Cole. It was only two months, I've been through worse. Why him? Why was it so hard for me to move on? It seemed pretty simple and easy for him to do it. Why couldn't I do the same?
He wasn't like the rest. He didn't treat me like the rest. He was different. He was something else. And I fell for him, hard, like never before. When I was with him it was like reality just stopped and let my dreams take over. We were to good to be true. In a week my dream with him became a nightmare.
And that last night I spend with him was so unrealistic. I couldn't believe it, my family couldn't believe it, my friends couldn't believe it; his family couldn't believe it.
"Why? Can you just answer that for me? Why?" I was so confused by everything, it just didn't make sense. Things were going so well.
"I don't know Jenny. I. Don't. Know. I don't know..." Cole replied frustrated at himself.
"What do you mean you don't know? It doesn't make sense. You tell me I'm amazing. You tell me that you don't regret any time you spent with me. You tell me you still can't believe you met me. You tell me I did nothing wrong. But you decide to leave me??" I questioned him, because everything he was telling me just didn't connect.
Cole combed his hair back by running his fingers through his straight, black hair. He leaned against the car and took a deep breath.
"You know why I say 'Go with the flow'?"
I looked at him blankly.
"Because that's how I live my life. I fail a test? Oh well, I'll try better next time. I portray the wrong emotions just to get through tough events in my life. Something bad happens? Oh well, life goes on. I literally go with the flow. And I look at you and how loving you are...and I can't do this to you." Cole's eyes started to tear up.
That's why.
