Confession

Just a Confession

To the words, for allowing me to turn pain into art.

***

"It's not big things. Small triggers release a pain once hidden in the confines of our minds" – Authorial, but inspired by things I read or saw.

***

First your chest tightens, as if invisible strings are tying your heart, then everything around you seems not to happen anymore, as if you were just a viewer, someone who is seeing everything from afar. You see, you hear, but you cannot interfere.

You want, you really want this explosion or whatever it is to stop. It's an almost physical pain, but you can't make it stop.

At that moment they already appeared: the tears, heavy, sharp as blades, laden with muffled sobs.

It's like you're someone else, you've always managed to hold back the tears.  You really managed to stifle them, hide the sadness in the back of your mind, even in the worst situations.  But not today, but not at that moment, at that moment you're just a little kid who wants to curl up.

The noise continues, but you can't control your actions, you just remain on the couch, the tears flowing and the sobs making your throat burn. The scream drifts away and you grab one of the pillows, muffling your own scream.

A small trigger appeared to have been activated. It was okay. You made a mistake and the screams came. Then all the weight, all that weight you had carried – or ignored until it was gone – fell on your shoulders.

Tears cease for a moment, you already know that feeling. They will come back.  You know they will come back. So you lock yourself in the bathroom and huddle by the door.

Then the tears come back, like sharp knives, but at the same time like an outlet for all that pain.

That almost physical ache, squeezing your chest and scratching your throat.

Your vision is blurred by tears, you mutter to yourself to stop being dramatic and wanting attention. But you're alone, you've been hiding, so it doesn't make sense.

You just want to be good enough.

Not a good enough friend.

Not a good enough daughter.

Not a good enough sister.

It's not healthy enough.

Smart enough.

It doesn't help enough.

You're asking yourself if one day will ever be enough.

But you don't do enough.

Even if you try hard. Even if you're doing your best. To do well in school, help around the house, and help your friends.

You've been doing your best, haven't you?

You give up holding back the tears and close your eyes, now they run silently down your cheeks.

Suddenly you're just a little girl crying because you fell in school and scraped your elbow, so your parents got called, and you're afraid they'll get mad (even if they don't).

It's just a little girl sulking in the bathroom of the ballroom on her tenth birthday because her classmates sang "Who's It With?*"

It's just a scared little girl amid the chaos of the onset of a pandemic, hiding in her grandmother's garden to be alone.

It's just a little girl crying because she can't read her favorite series of books anymore, which had saved her in the midst of the confusion of her mind.

It's just a little girl who messed up her hair in the midst of crying spells.

It's just a little girl who couldn't talk to her friend anymore and watched her go from someone you knew to someone you recognized.

It's just a little girl staring at her balcony when a voice tells you not to jump.

It's just a little girl having a crying fit because her friend was moving.

Suddenly you're just a little girl curled up on the bathroom floor.

***

"Who's It With?": Literal translation of a Brazilian joke, where, after the "Happy Birthday" the guests sing "who will it be, who will it be that (person having a birthday) will marry, it will depend, it will depend on whether (someone's name) wants it.

footnotes

I really wasn't in a good place when I wrote it, but I swear I'm fine now.

Writing this was almost like a therapy session.

If you feel something similar to what I wrote, or feel something else bad, you can talk to me in the PV here in the orange app.

Not much to say about this text.

If you liked it, don't forget to vote and comment. If you noticed any translation errors, please let me know. That's it, until next time!

🍫> For you!