Rushed dawn: "Yes we can. Together."

August 25 2023

We stayed up all night talking, about everything and nothing really. Both of us sober, but our most honest feelings came to the surface. I'm always grateful when J opens up to me like that. I know how hard it can be, I've been there. So I make sure every time we talk about deep stuff and I see him look downward, fidgeting with his golden bracelet, I stay quiet. I let him slowly open the package of emotions and thoughts inside of him. I'm more than willing to do that for him. Sometimes I feel like it's what we were born for. To understand each other, to comfort one another. He lets me fly and I pull him down. Balancing each other out every time we lose our own balance. Two puzzle pieces that are planned out to fit each other.

"You'll wake up early, should we wrap it up?" I ask him, breaking the silence that we both felt comfortable in. He looked at me in the dark and took my hand. "I can get through a day with 3 hours of sleep, don't worry. I want to stay like this for as long as possible." I squeezed his hand, smiled faintly and felt exactly the same way. I wish we could stay like this for a very long time.

I don't know when I passed out, but I remember that my head felt heavy so I laid it slowly onto his shoulder. Then J guided me to my side of the bed and tucked me in carefully. "Thank you for being here with me." He whispered into my ear and I would guess he thought that I didn't hear it. But I did and I'm not sure if I said it out loud, but I definitely said it in my head: "I love you".

I painfully open my eyes after feeling J move in bed. Next thing I know is seeing him sitting upright on the other side of the bed, his bare back facing me. I'm half asleep, so the first sounds I manage to make are only inaudible murmurs. I realize that it won't do, so I gather all the strength to wake myself up. I don't understand how he can wake up this early every day. "Don't go." I manage to say those two words which catch his attention. I see him turn himself back toward me but I can't really keep my eyes open continuously. "I have to babe. I wanna get my workout in early." Even the thought of moving makes me feel grumpy so I make a loud unrecognizable noise, which I try to communicate my dislike through. J knows me quite well and he whispers "I know.."

I immediately detect a hint of guilt in his voice. Turns out I can sense when he's unwell even when I'm half asleep. "You can stay. With me. Rest. Allow yourself that." I manage to press out those few sentences and I'm starting to feel more awake. I hear him sigh with his back turned to me and I know what he's thinking. "It's okay J, I'm here. Come here to me." I'm completely awake now and I lift his blanket. I make sure to assure him that it's okay for him to rest right now. His brain wants to keep pushing, the side of him that won't let him stop the hustle. I know him and I also know that he really needs to rest now. "J, it's okay. I assure you." I tell him and I see his tense shoulders slowly dropping. He moves towards me and I wrap him with the blanket. When my hand releases the fabric, I brush through his hair and rest my hand on his cheek. I scoot my body close to him, I can feel his slightly cool skin. "Breathe honey. You're safe. I'm here with you. I'm right here." I caress his cheek and listen to him breathing in and out. I move my arm and I put it around him, pulling him closer to me. I feel his left arm move under the blankets and finding my torso as its final destination.

"I'm okay now." He whispers after some time. "Thank you for telling me." I tell him genuinely. Communication between us is also a sign of love and respect. We respect each other enough to tell how we're feeling during hardships. We both agreed on that it's unfair to let the other half guessing and worrying. "Can we work out together later?" He asks with his husky voice after a while and I shut my eyes while smiling. "Yes we can. Together."