Just a Lie

This life

"How can you do that?" I asked Tom while he was driving back home.

"Do what?" He asked with his eyes stuck on the road.

"Stay so strong... not feel pain..." i said.

"It's just business darling" he said in a calm way which made me even more confused.

"What do you even mean by that?" I asked annoyed by him acting mysteriously.

"Look Gia... I'm going to give you an advice about my job. Once you've in, you can never get out. It chases you for ever. It never leaves you even if you want it to leave. It eats you out until there's nothing left but darkness and sorrow. Killing people ain't easy. But forgiving yourself for doing it is way harder." He said. He paused for a little while I remained completely silent.

"As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be like that. Its dope when you see it in the movies or you hear songs talk about it. But let me tell you that the people that make this movies or songs, don't know shit about this life." He said.

His words gave me goosebumps.

"My father was the leader of this gang before me. Until they killed him. His mates brought my father's dead body to my house. I was 5. I remember my mother crying. That day I made a promise. Not to myself but to my father. To take revenge." He said. His face was dark and numb. No expressions. Nothing. Just empty eyes looking at the road ahead.

"Oh god" I mumbled understanding why he never talked about his parents or his past.

"I got in the game when I was 12. I've seen things that made me not be able to sleep for nights. My mother stoped talking to me when she found out that I was turning out just like my father. "I already lost my husband, I can't lose my child too." She said. You see Gia... life ain't fair. You have to think twice before you act." He said.

"I'm really sorry baby. I... I didn't know." I said, feeling guilty about what I said to him.

His words made me cry.

"Don't be sorry for me Gia. I don't want you to feel sorry for me." He said. He didn't want to hurt his ego by showing his soft side. I could see it in his eyes.

We both stayed silent for the rest of the ride. I was thinking about what he just told me. He was probably regretting the fact that he opened up. Even to me. He seemed embarrassed. Not about his past. But about opening up to me.

"Are you in any pain?" I asked trying to change the subject.

"No, I don't feel anything." He said.

"Good to hear that." I replied smiling.

"Thank you" He said.

I looked at him confused. It was the first time I heard him say it this way. He seemed almost embarrassed about the words that just left his mouth.

"No problem Tom." I said with a charming smile on my face.