Broken smile

18

         I couldn't wait till my eighteenth birthday, to finally get out of this goddamn toxic ass household. Ever since I was thirteen and my grandma had gotten brain damage things haven't been the same. People grew to show their true colors, to let out the snake that's been hiding in the cage.

My grandpa, trying his best but the stress overlaps the kindness that he has in his heart. Resulting in getting verbally abused if I make one mistake. My aunt, making me be her personal babysitter. My other aunt, bashing me for being proud, bashing me for feeling confident, bashing me for being what she couldn't.

But it didn't start when i was thirteen, it started with Louis, the boy. He snatched my innocence like it was taking candy from a baby. But, to be realistic. It was. I gave it up way to easily and way to quick. It was the attention that I never got. The attention I thought was normal.

This mishap led to day and nights on Omegle, texting guys that a eleven year should not be. Sending nudes to guys every single day. It's what he taught me to be normal. It's what he made me crave. That attention and that excitement at the end.

I didn't know it was wrong until I actually got to the point of realization that it was not normal. It was not, and I hate it. Because it made me who I am. That made me what I fear, what makes me sick to my stomach.

Trauma on top of trauma, like your never ending story. My mom, in and out of prison; and somehow I still bring myself to defend her. I will till the day I die because I know how it feels to keep making mistakes. I know how it feels to feel like a failure every time something goes wrong.

My dad that I never met, who I thought was a monster along with a terrible person. Nobody who has both parents will ever understand the pain of not really knowing or having both parents in your life. Not understanding the heartbreak it brings of missing that relationship.

My grandma, no words in this world can explain the kindness in her heart; the smiles she brought on people's face when she walked into a room. She always put others before her, she always was the last to eat, the last to open presents on Christmas, the last in any situation. She took care of my brother and I even though she already had grow kids. She is and will always be my favorite person; above everybody else.

~~~

Searching through apartments on my laptop, getting flashbacks to when I was kicked out at the age of fourteen. I still remember the day so vividly, it hurts.

"I can't deal with this, I can't take care of these kids anymore" my grandpa frustratingly comments, "you might not have to, Isabella already talked to her mom and she said that she might live with her." My aunt Bethany remarks. An argument breaks out for about twenty minutes.

"So does this mean you guys are giving me permission to move out?" My brother Isaac interrupts. He never had a good relationship with our mother, there was no way in hell he was living with her. Some of the parts are blurs, like I wasn't in my own body when they were arguing.

My brother and I packing our stuff, getting ready to leave. "Bella!" My grandpa yells, I walk out of my room and see my him standing at the bottom of the stair case. "When is Isaac leaving?" He asks. I stay silent looks confused. "I need to know so I can take him off the welfare and EBT. But let him know that he's never fucking welcome back in this house." He scoffs and walks away.

In complete shock, it's like all of the love he said he had for us never actually existed. I carry all that I own in a backpack and Walmart bag, my brother carry's all that he owns in a backpack and a grey tub. As we walk down the stairs we can feel Bethany's, grandpas, and my aunt Abby's eyes on us.

First, my mom comes; talks with me, Abby, and Isaac. Trying to understand the situation, trying to comprehend the inquires why and what. Then my brothers friend arrives. My brother and I who have shared a room our whole life, now have to only see each other occasionally at school. We go our separate ways.

For weeks, I lost my appetite. Not being able to eat, barley sleeping, as well as my thoughts running constantly through my Brain. My life was already shit but this was just another terrible chapter of my never ending story.