Too Much, Too Many

Juniper.

The flight back to France was plagued with memories. The flight was about 11 hours, enough time for Lucky's mind to run absolutely wild.

It was some random day in March of 1972, Lucky had stuttered a couple days ago in asking for "a date but like- not really a date ya know?" And now they were on a "date-not date" as Claudio had put it. Which made Lucky hate himself for being such a coward yet it only made Claudio giggle at the nerves that afflicted the other boy. Claudio had always been one to love romance. So when it ended of them being fools over food at the Agate Diner Claudio decided that "for this to maybe, reach date quality I'm forcing you to share a milkshake with me," Claudio said with a lopsided grin. 

Lucky chuckled and they shared a milkshake, something that would become very routine for the two of them. It felt wrong to think that something so simple could be ruined especially by a memory, let alone happy ones. But now having a milkshake felt wrong, like to not have Claudio there with him was a crime.

With the feeling of criminality behind going to the Agate Diner alone many would assume Lucky would stay away at all costs. But he kept up their schedule of going once a week on Saturday afternoons like they used to. People still choose to not torment him, maybe it was because of Claudio's words all those years ago or because they pitied the person who had their only friend die. Whatever the reason it meant that no one talked to Lucky for any reason at all. All it gave Lucky was more time with his thoughts. With the memoires.

He woke up on the plane in a cold sweat. Memories flooded his head, it was more than just milkshakes and diner afternoons; it was nights spent on the rickety pier that overlooked the lake that had been nicknamed "lovers lake" for the stupid picnic dates that people would go on in the clearing.

Claudio and Lucky had gone on a date there once, something that was remembered only because of how secretive they had been before. It made being out in the open together seem almost monumental? Looking back it seemed stupid, maybe it was because the French culture had ruined Lucky into thinking that everyone should be as free as the men and women who went to cafes and bars together. There was freedom, but if you loved freedom you also had to love the price it came at.

That price was knowing that freedom was limited. That not everyone could relish in the same happiness, which even Lucky could not attain. That out there in rural Tennessee there was a boy's grave, one there only because his father had found the letters between his boyfriend and him. That out there many upon many people were forced to hide who they were just to keep their lives. It was hopeful to think that maybe someday it would be different, that there was hope and happiness in some future far away.

Happiness is faint as the plane lands on the runway of Limoges International Airport, the faint beating of Lucky's heart could be heard hammering in his ear. The landing left everyone to jump in their seats a bit. Lucky's heart felt broken in light of it all. As Lucky walked through the airport his heart ached with the memory of the small town where love was first found for him.

Where he would always be drawn to go back because of the memories which plagued his head. Memories that inflicted pain and hope that one day someone, though no one could take Claudio's place, he would find someone who could fill a void that was put there by him.

To give love is something so painful, because it is so easy to take away.

Why must pain be done unto the heart for the being to be set free? Why was Lucky stuck walking through an airport alone, instead of with his golden boy by his side giggling at the birds and the sky? Why must the world trick us with its beauty only for such beauty to be taken?

Why oh why?

As Lucky walked out of the airport to find a cab he just wanted something to fill the silence. Someone to say something, anything, to stop his thoughts from running rampant. But what he found was a man trying to make money driving quietly with a broken radio.

He got home, to a place with bare white walls with one painting hanging in front of the door. The painting was done by Claudio and given to Lucky as a gift for their one year anniversary. It was a darkness being overcome with a burning golden light. Claudio never said why he had painted it, but somewhere within the strokes one could find meaning, and Lucky had.

For so long Claudio was his golden light shining in the dark when there was no hope nor love. Now, Lucky had found his one golden light, one that may draw dim every now and again. But it was within him. It felt stupid to ask the world for love after having lost it. So Lucky hadn't asked for it, but he received love nonetheless.

It was a love of his freedom, of his place in the world where he could freely laugh and talk about life with his friends. Lucky Alvarez may curse the world for taking his light, but it was in the darkness that he polished himself and realized he too had some gold in him.

As he laid on the hard concrete floor he wondered how he had made it this far. No one knows.

But one day we all wake up and realize that hell is on Earth.

And somehow we made it through. Somehow...

Even if it means hanging to the side of a cliff like a Juniper tree, just wishing for the day the world would bridge the gap.

Lucky found a home on that gap, a cliff jutting down for meters and meters holding all his pain, all his losses, and most of all. All his love.

One day he might get it back, but for now he would live with knowing it was just a jut away. A fall would bring him to it all, but for once he wanted to see if the fight of life was worth it.

Who knows. Maybe all it takes is reaching a branch across the ravine... maybe to bridge your own gaps.