Peetas pov hunger games

Ch. 7

Discussing my impending death with the Careers made it more real than it had been before. Now, I'm ducked In a hallway, outside the cafeteria, leaning my head against the wall. Until now, I hadn't had a chance to think it through this much. It doesn't change my plans, but it does make me regret not living my life to the fullest. I should have talked to Katniss when I had the chance, back in District 12. I should have tried to repair my relationship with my mother, even if I'd fail. I should have enjoyed my life more instead of coasting through it. All of a sudden my chest is tight, and I'm dizzy. The confinement of the building is getting to me, and I decide I want to go up to the roof.

The air is not as chilly as it was the other night. It has a kind of sweet essence to it, I don't know if maybe it's because this is the last night I'll be able to take in and enjoy. The next few nights, I'll be fighting for my life, then when I've done all I can, I'll take my last breath. Down below, there is music blaring and Capitol citizens eating, drinking, and dancing. I still don't understand how they think of all this as some sort of holiday. It surely isn't for us. I hear footsteps behind me and I immediately know who it is, but I don't say anything. If she wants to talk, she will. Though I do expect her to try to sneak back to her room. I hear more footsteps, and I figure she is leaving, but instead, she speaks.

"You should be getting some sleep." I should. I decide to make a snide comment about the party down below. "I didn't want to miss the party. It's for us, after all."

"Are they in costumes?"

"Who could tell? With all the crazy clothes they wear here. Couldn't sleep either?"

"Couldn't turn my mind off."

"Thinking about your family?"

"No. All I can do is wonder about tomorrow. Which is pointless, of course." She notices the way my arms are folded, careful not to bring pain to my injured hands. "I really am sorry about your hands."

"It doesn't matter, Katniss, I've never been a contender in these Games anyway." She automatically assumes I just gave up from the start, but what I really meant was I just never planned to live. I have other plans. "That's no way to be thinking."

"Why not? It's true. My best hope is not to disgrace myself, and..." I think of telling her, "and protecting you..." but I remember that I can't do that. So instead, I say, "I don't know how to say it exactly. Only... I want to die as myself. Does that make any sense?" I sure hope it does to her, because it doesn't to me. She shakes her head and I have to come with something quick. Then I remember my dad telling me, "You're not just a pawn in their games." It reminded me that I must go out showing Panem why these games are wrong. "I don't want them to change me in there. Turn in to some kind of monster that I'm not."

"Do you mean you won't kill anyone?"

"When the time comes, I'm sure I'll kill just like everyone else. I can't go down without a fight. Only I keep wishing I could think of a way to... to show the Capitol they don't own me. That I'm more than just a piece in their games."

"But you're not. None of us are. That's how the games work."

"Okay, but within that framework, there's still you, there's still me. Don't you see?"
"A little. Only...no offense, but who cares, Peeta?"Okay, so Katniss is smart. That I know for sure, but when it comes to me, she is dense. It's obvious how I feel, but no matter how I act or what I say, she still doesn't notice.

"I do. I mean, what else am I allowed to care about at this point?" I look deep into her eyes and try to muster up a little anger, to show her I'm serious. She steps away from me. "Care about what Haymitch said. Stay Alive." This bothers me and soothes me at the same time. It's frustrating to see how she really doesn't get it. Then, it's soothing to know she must care about me, at least a little bit, to tell me to stay alive even though she knows only one of us leaves the arena. I don't mean to say it, but I say, "Okay, thanks for the tip, sweetheart." It brings a smile to my face knowing that she is going to be slightly offended by that name. I have to admit it is a little fun to mess with her. Her reply is harsh. "Look, if you want to spend the last hours of your life planning some noble death in the arena, that's your choice. I want to spend mine in District 12." Oh, don't worry, you will. I'll do my best to be sure of that. "Wouldn't surprise me if you do. Give my mother my best when you make it back, will you?" She gets up to leave, and tells me, "Count on it."