My Life

Is it just me or am i really stupid?

I have very very bad news. First off, this book is for me to vent out.
Now.. let's come to the point. Saturday, I got fever. Sunday I couldn't play piano at church. Monday(yesterday), I was still not well but still went to school. My face didn't look I had cough even though I was very unwell inside me. I had headache and stuffy nose and cough and I was feeling cold specially since my freaking classmates switch on the the fan even in rainy season.

I came back home, and I was very tired and unwell, I decided to sleep.
I wasted my time. Yes.
So, then dad called me up. I took a little time to get up from the bed because of my stupid headache. And my dad got angry saying I am taking too much time.
And.. yeah he scolded.. no he was angry. He even beat me.

And when I was in room, I could hear my dad telling my mom that I'm just pretending to be sick. I'm not really sick. I'm just being lazy. And not wanting to work. I wish I hated my dad. If I hated him, i would have killed him already. But I love him.. what to do. I can't kill him.

And today.
I was just playing piano and trying to create my own music. It's been barely five minutes and my parents came and said u shouldn't waste my time on piano.
Like bruh, what?
I told them I have to practise my fingering too.
And they said, no. It's a waste of time. That's when I realised they never support me in my career decision. Whenever I ask for their opinion, they always said I can choose to be a doctor. Being a doctor is the best option. They never told me to be a musician. they don't like the fact I'm drawing too. They only asked me to be things like a business person or an accountant or a doctor. Mainly, be a doctor.

I know. I have to study to gain knowledge. But come on. I can still be a musician!

And....

Bro.. just kill me. They asked me if I have pearl necklace for my younger sister. I said, I don't have pearl necklace. I have other kinds. Later, they took one of the necklace from me and said I'm too selfish.
That I don't love my younger sister. I'm not a happy person.

Actually, I am not a happy person. I am too much focused on my studies because because of them. I have insecurities because if them. Whenever I tell them not to make fun of me, they say, the entire world will laugh at you, will you be crying and angry at them then?.

Come on!! Why are they joking when I'm actually serious? I mean, with 100% seriousness, I asked them if the dress I'm wearing suits me.
And with 0% seriousness they reply back that I look like... you don't wanna know.
I said that not good to say. But no use. They love to make fun of me.
Even if the world jokes about me, I would laugh with them. But when I'm asking for my closest people, the people I love, about their opinion, or help, and they make fun of me, it hurts.

I started being cold towards them. I don't like it either but I am doing that so that I can avoid their knives and grow in such a way that I am capable of raising my younger sister too. I mean, she is only 3 and a half years old. When I grow up, she'll be my responsibility.

That's why I am even focusing on studies in the first place. I love bio. I love to study psychology. But I also want to be a musician. And I decided, I can be a psychologist and a musician at the same time. But... I lost hope for myself.

For three years, I was suffering. Once, I went suicidal. I almost killed myself but then God just talked to me. He said, I have sister. You see, I prayed for five years to get a sister. So, if I die, that also, me killing my self, then I will go to hell. And then, I will also be making my sister's life miserable.

That's when I realised. Suicide isn't really an option. It's a stupid answer the world pushes us to. And we should overcome it. It's difficult.

Because we don't really like to die with our own hands in a painful way.

It takes our entire life to get pushed to kill ourselves. But It takes only a few words to save someone committing suicide. Haven't you wondered why? Because the weight of the words is much bigger than the knife in the heart. That's why, you always have ti speak widely. If you're speaking negatively, be careful. Because like I said, the weight of your words is bigger than the knives in our heart.

I don't hate my parents. I just... wanted then to know that what they're doing is hurting me a little. But, they aren't listening. I mean, they never did in the last three years anyway.