Only your love is final

GRACE🤍

                   Dad was back now, he hugged me happily after seeing my result, it was all B's and three A's. We popped the only wine in the fridge given as a gift to my father, we saved it for special moments like this but my elder brother Ezra wasn't there. He was always alone, angry and in rage of what nobody knows about, I don't know if he would be happy about my WAEC result because he didn't make it in one sitting, he was supposed to write with me this year but he declined saying he wasn't ready. I really wish the Ezra  I knew while growing up would come back to his senses and realize that his family were always here for him.                                                          We lived in Kaduna so we did a lot of farming, this was a church premises and each occupant was given a small farmland just behind his or her house, most times Jasmine and I enjoyed roasting corns and yams at the small farm, It wasn't time for harvesting  corn  maybe that might have served as our lunch. We lived in the church staff quarters  because my Dad was the church gardener and my mum the church secretary. You may just say my life is coined to the church alone....hmm, you may be actually right, I gave my life to Christ two years ago and if my life wasn't coined around here, I would have made so many awful mistakes which I will regret later in life. I attended all church fellowships but still wasn't saved, I was a good girl so to say and was of course very smart...I think my problem then was the quest for a phone, I mean at secondary school you are supposed to have one, most of my friends had, in church every normal human who was in secondary school had a phone. Most times in church they don't even bring their Bible, they read the Bible with their phones so being with a Bible was quiet humiliating, I begged my mom to at least get me a phone even when Ezra didn't have one; though he didn't care then because the Ezra that I knew then was so nerdy so he didn't even mind.  Mum told me she couldn't get me a phone firstly because to her I didn't need one and secondly she can't afford one right now ,she claimed to only afford a phone when I needed one.  Heck! Everyone in church, in school, and everywhere has a phone so why not me, I was so pieced that afternoon. I told her this, Its becoming a social suicide for me because all my friends talked about was phone; how this texted them, how that called them, how this chatted them up and all other nonsense. The church even created a group chat in other to fellowship together as pre teens and inculcate the word of God through phones, some would come blabbing how good and active the group was, oppressing people like me.  I finally entered JSS3 in my school, It was a public boarding school, my business studies teacher informed us about the online teaching she was doing and encouraged us to join the learning app, she also told us the school was making provision for the whole school to compulsorily join the app in other to be productive during holidays. I happily told mum because this was my biggest opportunity and she will have no other choice but get me a phone, she just had to get me a phone now cause I had to use it for my e-learning schooling, surprisingly; she burst my bobble; seriously...she told me to use her phone, I angrily snapped back at her, " I want my phone, everyone has one, why do mine have to be so different?" her reply only made me cry and scatter her room bedsheets, "you are not everyone, you are Samantha" she stood up banging the door behind her, "don't forget to relay that bed."               Finally, I got to use her phone for the internet lesson, it felt really good holding a phone, I left the learning app at times to the group chat created by my schoolmates, other schools too  were added so I made new friends.  Many people chatted me up because I was very active in the group, I got into a chat with a girl, she was in her first year in secondary school. She chatted very dirty, she asked me different questions and we became friends, she teased me because I was very naïve, she advised me to join a porn website in other to know more and be matured. I was scared because if mom found out she will really be unhappy,  she just told me to act wisely and stop acting dumb. I tried joining the website but it failed, I explained to my internet friend that it wasn't working, she just snubbed me and after few days blocked me. I decided to forget about the website then an idea popped in my head, 'GOOGLE' it was an app that had all answers to any question in the world. My internet friend complained about her boyfriend having a small  dick which according to her was very unsatisfying, I didn't grab what she was saying, I had never even seen one before...I had a very curious mind so Google answered every question my mind wanted to know. I had guilty conscience, I was beginning to feel that what I was doing was actually disgusting but a demonic whisper defended the act in my ears, " who said it was bad to know more, besides you are supposed to know and explore things around you, it was never written in the Bible that pornography was a sin, who ever condemned it? If it was a sin Jesus knew the future, he would have at least given a commandment about it"                                                                                  I went deeper and deeper into the demonic world of pornography,  I even went to the extent of watching it. My mum never found out, none of my family members ever knew that their little Sammy was going off track, I normally enjoyed church....cleaning the church, participating in the pre teen services and classes and other activities,  they just began to bore me, I just used church to kill boredom! I couldn't wait to go back home to do the usual.                                                                My parents changed my school because to them I was becoming something else but nobody knew the root. I went to the Girls' college beside our church but this was not the best solution, I even grew worse...since the girls didn't have any way to satisfy their sexual urge; masturbation was the way forward while other girls dated themselves which was very disgusting. I masturbated, I tried to stop but the devil wouldn't stop, I gave my life to Christ many times in school but after a while I found myself doing what I prayed against. I cried many times that God should help me stop, I had big dreams to be fulfilled but I knew clearly this was not how to fulfill it. I couldn't even be alone cause I will masturbate and regret it immediately after, I made good grades but wasn't happy because this was not a life I wanted to live.                                    Something  happened one time in church, I never knew this was going to change so many things, I was badly tempted to go out and watch some videos, I tried fighting it but failed, "this is going to be the one last time and then I will stop" I said to myself as I walked out of the church with my mom's phone and headed immediately behind the Church, I never knew Miss Jane followed behind. She was a lady I admired because she was a very intelligent Lawyer, she loved children so much so she spent her time with us teaching us the word of God. She immediately appeared in front of me and ordered that she had the phone, I hesitated but she forced the phone out of my hand, "Miss Jane please!" I pleaded, "Jesus!" she exclaimed, she gave me a very hot slap, that slap travelled a long way to the last cell in my brain, and I realized I fucked up big time, I felt so ashamed, so stinking, just so dirty and for the first time I admitted that I cursed my problem, just from the beginning I gave the devil a big chance, "how did you become like this, Sammy?" this was the big question she threw at me, " its like I flipped my screen and became someone I never knew" I replied tearfully, " I tried to stop, I prayed to but failed" I added, she looked at me, " wow, this is trying your best right?, this is trying to stop?" she put the phone on my face, "I assured myself this was the last ti..." she cut in angrily, pornography is like salt water, Sammy, it never quenches your taste instead it increases it"                                                                 After much prayers and counselling by Miss Jane, I conquered pornography. It wasn't easy though but making up my mind, letting go of my canal body and inculcating God's word into my heart helped me a lot. My family background helped me too, I couldn't imagine my mum finding out she wasted her petty money on airtime just for her daughter to watch porn, anytime I felt down, I just read my Bible and remember what Miss Jane always says, "If its just for yourself its okay to give up but because of the destinies attached to yours, you just have to fight and keep fighting."                                                                                                                                                                                                 I would literally cry at times when I remember how bad my situation was, many teenagers watch pornography as 'normal' but its not, it is a very sensitive way of stopping you but you will not yet realize it until you are done with. The truth remains that whatever our addiction is, that's our addition. God may prevent us from having what we feel we need not necessarily because we don't deserve it but because we do not have the capacity yet to use it.                                                                   The little celebration was all over now, My dad, Jasmine and I had to go to the farm to check a few things while Mom prepared dinner, we had to hurry before it becomes dark like I said it was just behind our house.