When I was drowning that's when I could finally breathe

Chapter 1

El's POV (Elenor)

"Why do I have to dress nice for the first day?" I slump onto my bed, my phone in hand "I don't know El, it's just what everyone does" May says over FaceTime, shrugging while tossing another shirt on her floor

May is my best friend, she has been for 13 years, we normally helped each other pick out outfits for the first day of each school year, and although May was grounded (something about her telling her brother to fuck off? I don't know, her parents are strict, she's practically always grounded) so we did it over FaceTime this year, picking out our outfits for the first day of the junior year which is in 2 days.

I was about to tell her the green shirt was the best but I heard a door open through her phone followed by a quiet "shit that's my mom, I'm not supposed to have my phone, I got to go but I'll find out a way to get it and call you tomorrow, love you" I snicker and reply "love you more" before the line goes dead

I drop my phone next to me and groan, It isn't even the first day of junior year yet and I already hate it. I honestly don't mind the work part of school, I just hate having classes without my friends and having no one to sit with or work with, in those classes.

I'm not exactly unpopular, but not popular, I'm nice to everyone, so no one is really upset if they get stuck with me for group work, I do my half, I'm nice, I make jokes and I'm helpful, but only 2 people would chose me over someone else. Those 2 are my closest friends, May and Dean, a 3 person friend group that hasn't changed for 10 years, We're practically family.

oh and Theo, maybe? I don't know, we were what you considered school friends, he's the typical skip class, wears a leather jacket, smokes way too much, and sits alone yet is kind of friends with everyone? although he never truly opens up to most people. We had gotten assigned to a group project last year and he opened up a little, we hung out over the summer 2 times, the first time, surprisingly he called me to go get pizza and we had a blast, the next week I asked if he wanted to come over and he said yes, we spent the day laughing our asses off.

But for the rest of the summer, I called and texted him with no reply, 2 months and he never talked to me, I spent that summer overthinking. I figured I did something wrong, and after a while I got worried, I didn't know who his friends were and I didn't know where he lived so there was no way to reach him.

The only thing I was looking forward to tomorrow was making sure he was okay, Oddly enough despite my catching feelings for most guys I even shared 1 word with, I never had romantic feelings for Leo, I honestly just wanted to be his friend. There was something about him that drew me in, somehow I related to him, I could see in his eyes he was hurt, but I didn't dare mention it, anytime I asked if he was okay he shut down.

We weren't close friends so I never wanted to seem pushy so after a few weeks I stopped trying to contact him until last week, I sent a simple text asking how his summer was and if wanted to hang out before school, which of course he never responded.

I debated messaging him again but instead grabbed a book from my side table, sitting on the floor near my window, it was raining out which is my favorite weather. My parents were at a work friends party, which meant they wouldn't be home until at least 11, I glance at the clock and sigh, it reading 5:42. I reach for my phone and text Jake, my brother, asking if he wants to just order pizza for dinner, to which he immediately responds, letting me know he's at his friends, he won't be home until the morning.

Jake is a year older than me but we are in the same grade, I guess he went to preschool a year late so ended up a grade below what he should have, but he didn't seem to mind. We aren't super close, I mean he ignores me in school and avoids me like the plague whenever he's with his friends, but at home we talk more, mainly about stupid stuff, friends, and movies. But this summer my parents have been working more than normal so we've gotten a bit closer. I sigh and open Dean and my texts to see if he wants to come over before remembering his family is still on vacation until tomorrow.

I sigh, feeling a single tear escape, not because no one can hang out, I actually enjoy being alone sometimes but because today is a bad day. The one thing no one knows, not even May, or Dean is how bad my mental health has gotten, They're the only ones who know I used to struggle with minor depression, but they don't know it's back, and worse than ever. I hate myself so much for being sad, I have a good life, and my parents are great, sure we argue every once in a while but I love them more than anything, me and Jake are getting closer and I have May and Dean, the only friends I need.

It seems so selfish to be sad when I have a good life. Which is why act like everything is okay. But in all honestly, I hate myself. I stand in front of the mirror each day, desperately trying turn my body into something acceptable, as soon as I start liking one of my flaws, I find another to hate. No one has ever shown any attraction to me, I haven't dated anyone, or had my first kiss. What is it that makes me so goddamn unlovable?

My phone dings, pulling me out of my thoughts, not realizing my cheeks were tear-stained. I grab my phone hoping it's May saying she snuck out but instead, it's just some Twitter notification, I start to set my phone down, knowing I don't use twitter often so just ignore the notifications but something catches my eye, The small picture next to the text, a pride flag, the text reading "Schools Start banning LGBTQIA+ books" I click the notification immediately, reading a few paragraphs before breaking down again.

I think I've known my whole life that I'm Bi, but I've never fully admitted it to myself. I've never had a crush on a girl, and my lack of experience kind of makes it hard for me to know how I would feel if I kissed or dated a girl. I think I have the ability to love anyone, personality is what matters to me, not gender. But I keep telling myself I won't come out until I need to, until I know for sure until I kiss or date a girl.

I know my family would accept me and so would May and Dean, but the article still lit up on my phone screen just reminds me, I'll never be accepted by everyone, Being Bi would make my life harder, so if I stay in the closet I'm safe. Maybe I'm a coward, or maybe I just can't take any more pain, before I can decide which of these it is, a knock startles me

At first, I think its thunder, the storm howling outside until I hear the front door knock rapidly again, I open my door, wiping my eyes and glancing in the mirror in the hall, the tears might be gone but the puffiness and my red eyes are very prominent. I use my arms to swing around the stair banister, trying to come up with an excuse for my crying before I get to the door.

Thankfully I know it's May at the door, considering in the 16 years I've lived here, no one besides her has ever knocked, everyone used the doorbell, besides her, plus her, Dean and Luke, my brothers best friend are they only once who come over unannounced. Which made the excuse pretty easy, because I could simply say it was a bad day and she wouldn't push me.

I take a deep breath and swing the door open, but instead of May I'm met with a boy, about my height, with dark hair dripping with rain water, his pale skin covered in goosebumps, shaking slightly while clutching his leather jacket to keep warm, tear-filled eyes surrounded with a black eye, a purple bruise along his jaw

Theo.